I can't help but wonder, was it worth it?

Was your transient moment of pleasure worth making me feel like shit?

It seems to be a never-ending cycle of me losing my mind over you,

Your words display such innocence while your actions prove they're not true.

 

Defending, deflecting, giving every reason instead of the selfish thoughts in your head,

Unintentionally cementing my newfound doubts and unanswered questions in a loop while we lay in bed.

After almost 9 years together, was it really that easy to do?

Ripping my heart into pieces like I meant nothing to you.

 

I can't help but question what it is about me,

That would rather hold onto this pain than let it go and be free.

I wonder what that version of me would look like if I didn't fight like hell just to hold on,

As if I need to prove to myself that after a lifetime of abuse I can still stand strong.

 

I wish this was something I could just let go,

I wish I could lie to myself and never know.

I wish I never met you so I would never know this pain,

I wish I could go back in time and start again.

 

I will wish upon every star,

That your guilt follows you wherever you are.

I hope it eats you alive with no remorse,

I hope when your mind is finally quiet, it comes back for a second course.

 

I dream of being strong enough to turn around and leave,

So much of me despises wasting all of this time to grieve.

You got to be selfish without considering the impact it would have on me,

So again I ask, was it worth it? Choosing her over me.