I've been lyin' in bed since half past three

Cos I've landed me self in't Infirmary 

I went and did summat daft you see 

And they're 'avin to operate on me knee

        

I wouldn't mind I only came in to see

Any doctor or nurse int' A and E

I ended up in a cubicle on a sort of bunk

And next to me was the obligatory drunk

 

She must've consumed a gallon of gin

Cos she'd fallen over

and smashed up her chin

The staff nurse tried to calm her down

But she threw a punch and knocked her t' ground

 

Cops were called but weren't surprised 

As the same old Biddie had nearly died

Last time she was here the Sergeant said

But added: "unfortunately this time

she's still not dead"

 

Now that may seem harsh but we can understand

'cos Nurses put up with this on a scale

that's grand

Trying to help 'em but getting stick

Then wiping up all those idiots sick

 

Anyway, as for me and my dodgy knee

I slipped and fell just after tea

It didn't help that I've always been bandy

Oh and then there was that bottle of brandy....