For the New Year I resolve -

Not to swim with Humpbacked whales
Or ride an alpaca on the Inca Trail
Or skipper a ship with three masts and ten sails
I’d rather be lashed with a cat of nine tails.

The Northern Lights shall remain darkness to me
There will be no Amazon trips to see all the trees
If you dropped me on Everest attached to skis
I’d say “no thanks”, not “yes please”.

You won’t catch me in the Galapagos Isles
Or sliding on the Alhambra’s tiles
Or on a bike in the Alps clocking up the miles
It would only give me piles.

I’ve no desire to ascend the leaning tower in Pisa
Or camp out in Yellowstone for some overblown geyser
I’ll steer clear of a smile from the Mona Lisa
She’s just a teaser.

You’ll not see me jiving through Rio at Carnival Time
I’m too old for Samba, well past my prime
As for Las Vegas, I don’t give a dime
And St Peter’s bells can just, chime.

You can stick the sphinx’s sandblasted face
in its dry and desolate desert place
The Great Barrier Reef can sink without trace
It wouldn’t be ace to be shot into space.

A bungee jump is no cause for elation
I will politely decline the wildebeest migration
I’ll not tread barefoot in Tibet for contemplation
It would be worse than constipation.

The Grand Canyon holds no appeal at all
The Great Wall of China is just a wall
I’ll not go rafting at Victoria Falls
It would leave me feeling small.

I have no ambition to write a book
Or have some celebrity chef teach me to cook
Or take up the tango like some sad schmuck
The Taj Mahal’s not worth a look.

Of diving with sharks I’m naturally wary
No world cruise occupies my itinerary
I find the thought of other cultures scary
And I’m allergic to wheat, and dairy.

I’ve no yen for tea with geishas in Japan
The Boston Marathon’s not in my plan
Diving on shipwrecks I think they should ban
Kilimanjaro? Not a fan.

In Michelin restaurants I’ll never be fed
I’ll not cross Antarctica on a sled
Falling out of a plane fills me with dread
I fear where angels fear to tread

Think I’ll just stay in bed.