Before I begin I ought to insert

A warning by way of a spoiler alert;

Your ears best plug up and your eyes best avert

For a tale you might find a bit racy -

The Ballad of Gavin and Stacey.

 

The story's finale was screened Christmas Day;

I missed it myself much to my dismay,

We'd not been at home but spent Christmas away

But couldn't wait to learn, I confess

If Smithy got married to Ness.

 

And it's not long before we see Smithy's plight

It seems he's upgraded to that socialite

We previously met on one Christmas night

Called Sonja; we screamed “For God's sake!

He's making the biggest mistake!”

 

Then Dawn and Pete Sutcliffe we learned had broke up;

But once Pete got drinking at Dawn's furry cup

And Dawn got the benefit of a good tup

The romance was running once more -

No doubt off-and-on like before.

 

It's quite a surprise that we find out that Gwen

Is having a secret relationship then

And Bryn throws a wobbly discovering when

The series' denouement approaches

Gwen's secret admirer's Dave Coaches.

 

“Secrets!” yells Bryn. “Yes. Secrets!” she rips,

“The secretive shame of that damned fishing trip!”

We think that the whole sordid truth will now slip;

But no; it stays a dark sin -

Between Coaches and Jason and Bryn.

 

 

For Nessa it's time to embrace pastures new

As Neil the Baby is leaving home too;

She heads off to sea to rejoin her old crew,

Her time on the Island's now dead,

Believing that Smithy's now wed.

 

But a twist in the tale is revealed before long;

Though no-one dare speak that this marriage was wrong

It's Gavin at last who could not hold his tongue;

At which point we all thought “Good on yer!”

To scupper his wedding to Sonja.

 

Now wait! It's a race against tides and the clocks

As Dave drives his coachload hotfoot to the docks;

Then Smithy whose last opportunity knocks

Goes down on one knee to our Ness

Who (hats in the air!) tells him “Yes”.

 

But one thing outstanding I've thought about lately

A small thing, I know, but it bothers me greatly

Just why have the titled it “Gavin and Stacey”?

As characters they are just lesser;

It's all about Smithy and Nessa.