DIY

By The Urban Poet 

Now if there’s a job to do they always say

To do it yourself, even put up a shelf

Now that’s ok but only one prob

No tools for the job, ’cos I like being a slob

So I pay a few bob to someone ‘ont dole

To bang and drill and put screws ‘int holes

I can’t be ....ed to be any part of that DIY

Oh It makes me flamin’ cry!

 

I did once have a go at a job you know

But I didn’t have a clue what to do 

The instructions said it was easy peasy 

But it made me queazy standing ont’ ladder

And on top of that, I’ve got a weak bladder, and the story gets sadder, and sadder

cos I went and fell off and ended up in’t hozzy, me mate had to take me in his Morrison’s lorry

So no more DIY for me, even if the tools were flaming free, I’d rather ‘av an operation

on me eyes than kill myself doing DIY

 

What’s gets me, even with a cup of tea it’s all so complicated, even if it’s been demonstrated 

on You Tube clips or from handy man tips

Ont internet and stuff, I can’t even bluff

me way into carrying it off, being a DIY Boff

 

Wall plugs, screws, which drill bit to choose

Use a spirit level they say, but I need to pray

before I even start, to click what I need into me

Shopping cart, I mean what’s a drill number 2 

I thought it was something you do,

when you sit ‘ont loo

 

So like I said I’ll use me ‘ed and pay a few bob to someone ‘ont dole, to bang and drill and put screws ‘int holes, I can’t be ....ed to be any part of that DIY, oh It makes me flamin’ cry

And I don’t want to D.I.E die!!

From the book ‘Rhymes and Reasons’

by. ‘Rick’ Varden