If I was a fisher of pearls
In nacred palaces I’d dwell.
A folio of fantasies distract
Swimming deep in opalescent wells.
Crawling up the sparkly sand
Crabs scatter like iron filings
Drawn by the magnet beneath.
I find eight ancient bottles
Lined up waiting.
I write eight poems and scroll them
Tight into the vitrine necks.
Stoppered, I place them in the sea
And let them go.
The 'crab' imagery is novel and very effective.
IMO, maybe a bit of further editting would make a pearl of this poem. eg. 'ancient bottles' doesn't really need 'glass' which blocks the poetical music of 'eight ancient' - or maybe a different word to highlight another aspect of 'ancient'. In the same vein, you might do either 'sparkly sand' or 'island sand'; both adjectives tend to drag down the line. Reposition the 'extra' desired word somewhere else. I do think 'stoppered' would be a given, unless you want to exploit more ideas from the word itself, in which case it might take a line of its own. Always just suggestions with great respect for your wonderful talent.
<Deleted User> (7073)
Wed 25th Aug 2010 15:03
A lovely descriptive poem, I had to look up 'nacred' I thought at first it was a typo for sacred but it's not ;-) its amazing how many new words you pick up reading other's poetry ;-)
Luv TC X
nice poem Ann and i would like to be the one who found the bottles perhaps the poems would be read by a beautiful mermaid sitting on a big rock swishing her tail in the sea..i can just imagine this lovely scene ! have posted comment on .poem for daljit xx bernadette
Had to have a break from trying to write clever minimal stuff wot I carnt do and the real Fanny Foxglove just had to pop out! (Oooer Mrs as someone I vaguely remember from somewhere used to say!) Adjectives forever!!
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Lynn Dye
Wed 25th Aug 2010 16:14
Love all your poems, Ann, just as you write them, so agree with Stefan's advice there. Another good one - Lynn xx