MissLucy

Mother - I'm not 100% happy with this. It needs work, comments/ideas welcome!! :)

by MissLucy

Wednesday 15th September 2010 1:48 pm

Mother

Whispers of a song

Private from anyone else

Softly into an infants ear

It doesn't matter

What of the song

Just Mother's voice

Chubby little arms

Clinging to Mother's warmth

The song continues

Comfort from these

Unheard words

Induce sleep

You can almost

See the love

Radiating

A love that hasn't

Existed very long

Can be this strong

Swaying gently

Ignoring the chaos

Surrounding them

The song continues

And a smile

Breaks out

Nothing like a

Mother's love

Even surrounded

By hectic city life.

◄ Take me home

Freedom Competition Poem ►

Comments

Jeff Dawson

Tue 2nd Nov 2010 22:11

Yeah maybe replace 2nd and 3rd 'mother' with 'her', nice ending - 'nothing like her love....' good stuff in any case! X

Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 18th Sep 2010 16:43

I like it very much also, Lucy. IMO, I think the 'comment' of the last stanza is unnecessary, and actually aborts the feeling you have evoked by limiting your idea. The 'baby's smile' covers all angles, leaving 'chaos' to be any universal environment.

Lynn Dye

Thu 16th Sep 2010 08:56

I enjoyed this, Lucy, it's just lovely as it is in my opinion.

Andy N

Thu 16th Sep 2010 08:11

lovely stuff, lucy.. has a gentle flow to it that i like.. you could try experimenting with the references to mother in the piece, leave it in the title only see how that affects it, but aside from that aside from a possible comma in places, there isn't much (if anything) i would change here.. top banana! x

David Mac

Thu 16th Sep 2010 04:35

Like this poem, the way the world swirls around the mother and child.
Nice stuff.

Crackling

Thu 16th Sep 2010 00:54

Echoes. True feeling finely expressed.

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