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two women on the edge

entry picture

 

We sit above the blueblack sea

as the sun settles.

Wrapped in winter

coats in our September.

 

Two women crying, laughing,

going crazy

with our pink

champagne.

 

All the others are inside

for warmth

and music.

Our teeth chatter but we feel

alive.

 

Below the doomy sea

can crash

but we are here,

above it.

 

We've known each other for so long

yet

tonight we begin again.

We talk

of metal and fire, of earth and water.

We meet our elements.

 

Yes, we are on the very edge

of something

but we are not afraid.

 

And to our left a planet sparkles.

 

 

 

 

◄ plastic garden

london journey ►

Comments

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Ann Foxglove

Wed 29th Sep 2010 10:16

Oh Graham - so much to change so much to leave alone - that's the trouble with this friggin' poetry!! Which is which?? ;-) I really appreciate your comments, always! The sun was settling, at least how I imagined it, like a chicken nestles down into her nest at night. But I guess that cosy image clashes with the rather intimidating sea. I will try again with it. Ta once more.

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Graham Sherwood

Wed 29th Sep 2010 10:12

This is exactly the sort of poem that both beguiles and irritates me. There is so much to change(just look at the comments) and so much to leave alone, so as not to lose the writer's sentiments.
I don't like the sun settling. Why aren't you sipping, swigging, guzzling etc the champagne? I don't like the swap between we and you? as you appear to have stopped narrating and started talking directly.
After all this the idea is lovely but I think the tension should either be about the environment that you are both sharing or the renewal of your relationship.
Sorry for the epistle Ann, but to my thinking your work is making a transition these days and I am reading it more and more.

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Lynn Dye

Tue 28th Sep 2010 23:08

This is lovely, Ann. I think either option works. On reflection, maybe your newer idea. xx

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Ann Foxglove

Tue 28th Sep 2010 22:16

Thanks both. Not sure about the last line. Might change it to

"Behind us in the dark a planet sparkles."

Hmmm......

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Andy N

Tue 28th Sep 2010 19:49

very touching, ann indeed - up to you whether you want to do it, but i am wondering whether stanza 5 and 6 are needed as i like stanza 4 when it finishes 'but we are here,

above it.'

and then moves to the concluding line...

either way, enjoyed it.. x

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Elaine Booth

Tue 28th Sep 2010 19:43

I found this very touching. A simple moment but full of life and feeling.

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Ann Foxglove

Tue 28th Sep 2010 19:07

For a dear friend

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