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It felt like a long winter.

The outside is well,

with tiny hairs hooked to every breath,

growing crystalline, a spider’s cradle,

swabbed with angles, blue, precise,

and surrounding, growing sharper,

moving forward; the hurt is ice.

 

The date is helpless, unabsorbed,

and the pause is thoughtless,

the places gnawed, between the faces

and rewards, of one of the faces

being yours.

But the space is what lest report,

a growing forward, where steps are ice.

 

The constant, the pulse, in a stain of white -

a swan, a mirror’s heart,

walks, with liquid rippling shoes,

aging where it was told to smooth,

with lacy will, the treadmill white,

 

and it felt like a long winter,

that first step from you.

◄ Merlot

The Burnt Bee ►

Comments

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Dave Morgan

Mon 28th Mar 2011 22:01

Yes it was a long winter.

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winston plowes

Mon 28th Mar 2011 21:32

Hi M

Raving over the section below which really sings but as ever loved all your words.

Win

"a swan, a mirror’s heart,
walks, with liquid rippling shoes,
aging where it was told to smooth,
with lacy will, the treadmill white,"

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Marianne Louise Daniels

Mon 28th Mar 2011 15:17

thanks for the spelling mistake Ray! I am terrible with the comma also, I get rather tangled up with punctuation sometimes...
I am going to keep that 'of', I like the way that line draws out. So stubborn! Sorry!

Thankyou for the pointers.

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Ray Miller

Mon 28th Mar 2011 15:10

The language bubbles, it always does and the rhymes and near-rhymes are sweet.I could have done with a few less commas, particularly commas before "and".

the places gnawed, between the faces
and rewards, of one of the faces
being yours.
But the space is what lest report,

Do you need "of" one of the faces? Does that make sense? That last line takes some unravelling too.
lacy, not lacey.
Enjoyed lots.

Philipos

Mon 28th Mar 2011 14:18

Hi Marianne - enjoyed all of this - particularly the third stanza and poignancy of the long winter statement at the end x

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