Barbie Tampons - colloquial term for the filter tips used in roll-ups.

I swallowed a tampon
Not a bumper tampon you must understand
Not a jumbo lumbering gargantuan tampon
Not even a big tampon but a Barbie tampon
A nano-tampon, a marvel in liliputian absorbtion
A modicum of tampon a taster of tampon
To be frank it was a titch of a tampon
But this is now that was then
is it one inch or ten?
Will it distend in the end
until it can’t turn a bend
and hole up in my digestive tract?
Will it escape me one morning
And I’ll find it absorbing
fine wines with crunchy sun pat
I doubt that but I worry
I could start craving McFlurrys
Or the colonel’s own fajita wraps
Like an insistent infant
It might demand that this instant
I fill it with fillet of cat
Is infinitely intestinal
Will it be there for keeps
Does it want choco muesli or tatties and neeps
Because I’m feeling strange feelings now really and truly
All warm and maternal I think its called broody
I’m wanting to nurture, to ready my nest
Whatever it takes I’ll give it my best
I’ll take folic acid, get plenty of rest
I’m not giving up fags but I’ll drink slightly less

Now I wonder…
How long’s the gestation for an aid to sanitation
I hear water-births are good but I fear hyper-inflation
Should I apply to the council for birth certification
Or will they whisk him away for birth certification
Or will they whisk him away for experimentation

These puzzles and problems to solve are not easy
For the single parent-to-be of a whole new species
But let us not linger on events now long past
three years ago Saturday he dropped from my arse

He popped out fully formed with a step full of spring,
Flowing cape woven of finest blue string
Pants worn freely on top of his tights
Ready for action, to fight the good fight
And to mop up any blood without mercy on sight

So off he flew tampon boy, absorber of evil
Ready to soak up the snakes and the weasels
The rats and the scumbags, the bad mean and dark
He thought that Zimbabwe might make a good start
Then on to guantanamo, Afghanistan, Iraq
Twice round Gaza, no walk in the park

But soon he was back with eyes wet and teary
Poring his heart out to his old dad,me
His edges are all fluffy, there’s whisky on his breath
He’s struggling with words trying to get it off his chest
No tampon on earth dad can clear up this mess
I say go to bed son, lie down, get some rest
Next morning he’s gone, disappeared, flown the nest

And he was in and out of care, on probation, in borstal
Last time I saw him he was living in a hostel
Track marks up his arms, eyes dark sunken portals
What hope for us now? What hope for us mortals?

But there is hope now yet here, do not worry, get windy
I have swallowed four more tampons suited only to Cindy
I have three names already, maxi, midi and mini
The fourth’s undecided between Tammy and Lily
With four tampon heroes to fight the good fight
Surely the dark must succumb to the light
Because good always wins in the end, am I right?
Well if you lot believe that you’ll believe any old shite.