Domestic Violence

The problem of domestic violence in UK households is a contentious issue. Everyone seems keen to point fingers and lay blame on one another without really addressing the issue. It has been prevalent in UK society for centuries, and is unlikely to go away overnight. Women, have for centuries been placed under the dominance of males, and only during the early part of the last century did women gain the rights they so desperately needed.

          I as a male have been a protagonist of Domestic Violence. This sad fact does not come easily for me to reveal, but I can say that I have done my utmost in the past to address the issue of domestic violence. DV exists at so many levels within a human being and within society. I myself suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from military service, and whereas there are those in society that will not open up about their own difficulties with this, I have at least been able to understand my own problems. As a young child I was often beaten by my ma, and was subjected to being whipped by metal and plastic hangers that are used for clothes. My ma would make me bend over the bed, where I then received the ritual punishment to my bare buttocks. My father too, also wielded the belt, not only upon I, but my fellow siblings too. We all who grew up in that family, harbour deep routed issues of sorts that make for appalling casualties of society. We all struggle to maintain and keep relationships. Within myself though, the psychological problems I have are heightened by service career. I went to many places overseas in training and in operations, and was exposed to the onslaught of one of the most toxic wars in history. All of this, has had a marked effect on how I operate as a human being, how I conduct myself, and what happens to myself when placed in stressful environments. To be blatantly obvious, I can no longer handle stress of any kind. This can be a very undignified parameter of how I conduct myself in times of heated debate. Confrontation now appals me to so much extent, I tend not to want to engage for fear of lashing out. During heated debates, I become nervous, begin to stutter and feel like the fragility of a child before a monster. I have two options during confrontation, or at least, that’s how it was in the past. I can either run away, or fight! Strangely though, in the past, I have faced the Gun at point blank range, and never ran, this in turn, has caused the state I am in now. When the fight or flight rears its head, I have in the past stood my ground and been prepared to fight. Soldiers are trained for this. But over time, the constant stress affects you.

          I say I have been violent in the past. But in actual fact the only time I have ever knowingly lashed out was during my service career during the Gulf conflict. When I returned home, I was a wreck from exhaustion and stress. And lashed out at a woman whom I loved very much, but, I add, that I tried my damndest to gain counselling from the psychiatric services for my ailments. Counselling that has never really materialized to this day. I am one of many, many men who are going through private hell because to be perfectly honest we men love our women. We dote on them, we adore them, we go to war for them. But it has got to the point now, where any ounce of DV that exists in society is blamed on men. Everyone looks at the bruises but do not see why that bruise is there. They do not look at the beatings the young males received as children that affects at a subconscious level. They do not look at the constant violence that many young men have to face day in day out, whether you be a soldier or not. They do not seem to want to understand the guilt men feel for marking their loved ones either. What they will do instead, is bear witness to the bruises, and declare men monsters. They will then demonize to such an extent, that many men attempt their own life. These problems are made worse, by men folk not even being given access to their children, a very basic human right. The stigma attached is appalling, as it paints men as nothing more than lady killers, when most men in actual fact want nothing more than a loving productive relationship with their women folk. The stigma is bad. It is bad both from the women who heckle, and the men who declare them weak. Yet, the stigma is even worse, if you are a man subjected to female abuse. A third of all domestic violence incidents are reported by men. The police suggest that this is just the tip of the ice-berg. Because if you are a man, and you are beaten by your woman, the stigma attached by other males let alone women folk degrades you even further, so many men do not report when their spouse commits acts of violence against them. I have been a protagonist of DV, I am not proud as a man who once fought for this country. I have also been the subject of DV upon my person too. I am not proud of that either. But in all honesty, it is not going to go away by demonizing one another. What is needed, is to address the causes of DV, instead of laying down a blame culture.

          The UK has a reputation as being one of the most violent societies in the world. We have a history of committing acts of violence on children, we have a history of sexually abusing children. The root cause of society’s ill’s within the UK date back centuries, and until we are given the tools needed to understand this problem, it will persist. It is no good for the female fraternity to blame males alone. We are all complicit, in carrying out the learnt behaviour that was passed on to us. And until you realize this, you will never effect change.

          I have been the subject of abuse. So has my ma, so has my granddad. The only time it will stop, is when we come to terms with what has been passed down to us. To take away though, the rights of the father to see his children, is laying blame too far. Men do have hearts, it hurts when we commit acts of violence, because we love the women folk we so desperately want acceptance from.

          We need to heal, we need the tools to do this both as men and women, then maybe, our very own children will fair better in life than the casualties their parents are.

Michael J Waite 08^th October 2011.