Instructions on how to survive a nuclear blast and other tips and ideas.(Includes a fun pack and a couple of middle of the road not particularly challenging, or satisfying crosswords which quite frankly were pitched to people of a below average IQ, Guardian readers please refer to appendix 4 for details on your customised cultural fun pack (assuming we rebuild society in a lifetime that will fit into one of your various reincarnations)In time of tensionBe advised to prepare your shelterThis may also applyTo life in generalBut we the government cannot be responsibleFor you extra marital affairsSo we ask to refrain In times of impending holocaust.We simply ask the following:Uselessly collect pails of water.If you don’t have pails, uselessly use the loo cisternWhen the bomb drops please do not flush the cisternUselessly build a lean toDo not lean on it.Uselessly take a radio and batteriesWe promise to broadcast just as soon as we rebuild societyand the long wave transmitters, but not necessarily in that order.Uselessly: THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE IS INTENSIONLY LEFT BLANKUselessly take toys into the shelter for your muted and shell shocked childrenwho stopped believing it was a game the second they witnessed the curtains spontaneously igniteand the shards of glass that lacerated fathers right arm as he attempted to bolster the living room doorusing six layers of Aldi heavy duty refuse sacks that he’s filled with soil in the run up to the escalating tensions.Uselessly: ask why it’s all happening. The government aren’t here to listen to you (except whne we want information on your very particular and general habits). You funded the war, deal with us. Uuselessly take a tin opener to attempt to open the own brand tins of beans you just about managed to buy before the shelves ran dry.If you are suffering radiation sickness you wil not need to eat, save the beans for your next life.Uselesly think that a cup of tea and some light hearted conversation will make it all go away.And now for your specific survival instructions for when the heat, blast and shockwave arrive.Assuming you are not in the immediate vaporization zone (6 miles from epicenter of an Ariel burst one megaton device, like you would know of course)If you are caught in the open, die down, sorry lay down (to die)If you are in your shelter, get up and uselessly extinguish any fires, pay particular attention to items that don’t have any significant fire escalation risk but which you have a certain pronounced emotional attachment to, for example a collection of 1970s green book stamps, or an entire (but missing just one obscure Scottish origin footballer) collection of Panninin 1983 football player stickers) or a family photograph perhaps.Please remember you must uselessly extinguish the fires. More than likely theres an impending firestorm if we asked you to put your hand in it, we sincerely hope you will, we are informed you are stupid.Pathetically enjoy reading our protect and survive pamphlet but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES Confuse this pamphlet or any sub articles, atoms and associated un-split matter, with COMEDY.THE DOCUMENT IS VERY DANGEROUS AND SHOULD BE TREATED WITH THE CARE AND RESPECT WHICH IT IN TURN COMMANDS FROM YOU. WE ARE YOUR GOVERNMENT. DO NOT LAUGH AT US UNLESS WE INSTRUCT YOU TO DO SO.Pathetically cry. We have trained listening devices. They will be switched off for the duration of the conflict, however the successful aggressor may well reinstate them providing we give up the codes for their successful decryption. The aggressor is human too. He may want to hear what you don’t have to say.Idiotically think your town will not be targeted. It will be. We have spread out our military machines to most centres of major population, if you live in Wales or the Lake district, distance yourselves from strangers especially if they at the last minute attempt to invade your shelter. These people could well be insurgents, spies or local farmers which due to the continuing process of sociapathic alienation have become as alien as the landscape you are will encounter should your hapless struggle render you alive enough to step outside and actually view what is left of the world as you knew it.Ridiculously think our side can win. They have the boys toys too we are afraid, we played conkers with them at prep school, we know they know what we know, we sent ambassadors there, we all have the bomb now.Cleverly prepare and cleverly celebrate the stupidity of humanity.Dont forget to bring a torch and batteries. You can use a lemon, a piece of copper and zinc as a battery but its success depends on the pH levelFresh lemons are better.Everything’s going to be all rightThe pamphlet, take it read it.Enjoy the design of the generic 80s house on the cover.Just convince yourself that the worst that will happen is that you’ll lose a few roof tiles.Goodnight. We thank you for your co-operation.