Control Food

I don’t know when it started
When food became an issue
I remember how life was
I was diagnosed as dyslexic
After my Mum sent me for a private test
Although the School didn’t want to accept it
They didn’t want to help
Budget issues, staffing and resources
Excuses, excuses, excuses
My Mum fought their disbelief
Craving the help and guidance I needed
I heard judgemental whispers
Rancid gossip from those who demand respect
Also at this time
My brother suffered depression
So life was stressed

At school I became wallpaper
The bullies wouldn’t pick on me
The populars left me alone
I was a muddle of mishmashed words
So I spoke in low whispers
They could not make fun of
What they did not hear
Invisible
I existed
Floating through life
Lost
Forever falling
Deeper into despair

The beginning came
With a loss of appetite
Food offered me no comfort
I cut my skin
I wrote down my feelings
I even tried magic
Latching onto a child -like essence
Casting spells of protection
Wishing for release
It didn’t come


Homework and coursework weighed me down
Working until midnight
Just to keep up with my peers
I wanted to get good GCSE’s
It irritated me
My classmates shirked off their work
Yet achieved more than me
Why?
I couldn’t understand it
Eventually exhaustion took me
It was easy to skip meals
When my mind was overloaded

It was never about being thin
I was already thin
In fact my body lacked curves
Which lowered my self esteem more
I was skinny and pale
Sometimes likened to a corpse
It hurt
Yet it only made me eat less
I needed to control something
Something I could do
Something I could be good at

I became an expert at food avoidance
I told friends I’d have my dinner at Grandma's
I told Grandma I’d have dinner at school with friends
And when I did have to eat with people
I’d rearrange my meal
Making it look less
It was a skill
My biggest achievement
Was the satisfaction of no food for two weeks
I just wasn’t hungry anymore

The demon was eventually slain
A breakthrough came
In the form of  new life
She became my reason
To eat
To give her substance
To be her Mum
Yet that devil still stalks me
With its temptation to control
My life
Food

By Katie Haigh                30/01/12