Fireflies in Glass Jars

 

I wonder about you sometimes,

So…. I have to keep my distance

 

I don’t always return the phone calls

Or get in touch the way I use to

 

You see,

Just like fucking strange men

Or sleeping in abandon cars

 

You my friend,

are not good for me.

 

You bring me back to who I used to be

An almost extinguished lighter flame glowing inside of me

snuffed out like fireflies in a child’s glass jar

 

I believe you liked me like that

Found space in my emptiness

I was less frightening when I was dangling from a 30 story building

 

You were always there waiting to catch me,

knowing I’d eventually fall

 

You watched the bar fights, the naked shouting matches

The bruises come and go

You fixed my hair and iced my face

It was exciting then,

We were adrenaline tornadoes

not about to touch down

 

 It’s been years since then

now I feel you’ve taken my place

 

When I was hooked up, plugged in

I was alive with chemical lightning

dangerous tigers ran through my veins

I was old growth forests, before they were cut down

And Mania took over,

 

I was truly invincible,

Magic arrows formed from my eyes

and anyone with hurtful words would just burst to flame

 

Or so I thought

 

We wanted to eat chaos

Taking heaping mouthfuls

You wanted to save me

I thought you were beautiful

Together we were fearless dragons in a city of ash

Crying out like a couple of assholes

waking up the neighbors, just to tell them to fuck off

 

When I am with you now,

I see my old self in your face

 

I can’t help but recall the flashing lights

The ambulance cries

The questioning cops

The multitude of overdoses

Dead soldiers strewn across empty sheets,

babies in dirty diapers, pleading for someone to pick them up.

Guns held to my temple as I begged them to just let us go.

 

Please

Just

Let

Us

Go

 

I remember running so fast

I wasn’t even sure of who or what I was running from

Just running

To feel the wind against my face

It seemed the only way I could truly breathe

Was to run till I hit the other side as hard as I could

Smacking into it

Full force

Face first

A fist full of reality

 

I ran to where I am today

 

I guess my friend,

I was running,

Yes,

I was running away from you

and this endless cycle of please don’t let me crash

Please don’t ever leave

Please

Oh God Please

Thank you

I’ll never do it again

And again, Please

Just Please.

 

I think about you on nights like these

When I’m alone and it is quiet and the rain is just letting loose

 

I think about those fire flies in the yard

In the jars

Their little lights turning off as we shut our eyes upon them

 

I think about your needles

Your never ending need for chaos

I think about how much I love you

and how much I want you to just pick up your feet

 

I wonder if you will ever just start running

Running so fast that there is nothing behind you

no one calling out your name

nothing to go back to

running until there is nothing left

 nothing left

but you.

 

BT