Acquainted with the dawn

Thursday 8th March 2012 10:41 am

I have become acquainted with the dawn.
I have observed the evening as it fell.
I closed the careless curtain that had drawn

the charcoal-shaded cityscapes of hell.
I have indwelt a ditch a fathom deep.
I have withdrawn within a concrete shell.

I have grown late to rise and late to sleep.
I have cajoled the air on bended knee
and filled a lack of hunger lest I weep.

I have abandoned hope again, to see
my own cadaver naked and reborn.
Against the sky, the outline of a tree.

One drowsy-lidded daisy on the lawn.
I have become acquainted with the dawn.

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Comments

Ann Foxglove

Thu 8th Mar 2012 18:34

Still my kind of poem - even if I can't tell a trochee from an iam (I thought Iams was cat food - only jokin')

Ray Miller

Thu 8th Mar 2012 16:49

Fair enough, I see where you're coming from. I think some words, like "within", for instance, are mutable and pronunciations do vary.

Marnanel Thurman

Thu 8th Mar 2012 15:55

(And "indwelt" is also an iamb.)

Marnanel Thurman

Thu 8th Mar 2012 15:53

For me, at least, "dwelt in" is a trochee and "within" is an iamb. Perhaps you pronounce them differently.

Ray Miller

Thu 8th Mar 2012 15:52

Thomas. I've learnt from experience how subjective a thing is rhythm and metre. But I'll ask anyhow - if "dwelt in" breaks the metre doesn't "within" do the same?

Marnanel Thurman

Thu 8th Mar 2012 15:17

Ray: Well, the reason I didn't write "dwelt in" is because it would have broken the metre, and "indwelt" wouldn't, and seemed just as good at the time. I'd never heard of indwelling catheters before you mentioned it!

Ray Miller

Thu 8th Mar 2012 15:10

It's not "dwelt" I find odd, by the way, but rather "indwelt", that formulation.Why not "dwelt in a ditch"? No loss of alliteration there.As an ex-nurse indwelt recalls all those indwelling catheters and surely that's not your intention.

Lynn Dye

Thu 8th Mar 2012 14:59

Enjoyed the poem, Thomas, I like "indwelt" and the concrete shell, also the rhyming pattern is very strong. Good one.

Marnanel Thurman

Thu 8th Mar 2012 14:17

Laura: Thank you! This is terza rima, as used heavily by Dante. I used it here because the first line is a reference to a poem by Frost, "Acquainted with the Night", and that poem was also in terza rima.

(It happens that you could also read it as a sonnet with an atypical rhyme scheme, but that was accidental.)

Laura Taylor

Thu 8th Mar 2012 14:04

This is great, I really like your rhyme scheme. It's totally not obvious, but very disciplined and works extremely well. Is this some kind of 'form'? I'm really ignorant of different types of form but learning as I go along.

I think you can say indwelt all you like. It might be archaic, who cares? I make up words and put them in poems. Nowt wrong with that.

This has a couple of similar ideas to something I have made a few notes on recently, relating to liminality. Fascinating subject, and tons I can say about it. I will kill anyone who writes about liminality before I do heh ;D

Great poem, really enjoyed it

John Duffus

Thu 8th Mar 2012 13:30

I really like 'indwelt' and never tire of archaic terms. Is it archaic though? It could be thought of as novel - the blending of two words to produce a different or enhanced meaning?

The poem pushes the subjective 'I' to the front. This could be construed as self-centred, but it's hardly a criticism, every poet writes from a purely subjective stance - it's a personal interpretation of what affects us and you convince us in this poem of your authenticity. The words are plain and simple but also effective. I also liked "drowsy-lidded".
As for meaning; I somehow feel that you despair of modern, man-made artifice and yearn for a more fulfilling relationship with the basic elements of life, like the dawn. Just speculating.

Ann Foxglove

Thu 8th Mar 2012 13:11

Lovely! My kind of poem. Beautiful!

Marnanel Thurman

Thu 8th Mar 2012 11:46

Thank you! I was a little worried about the archaism of "indwelt", but after some thought I thought the benefits of alliteration and metre balanced that out. I'm not sure I was right, though.

Ray Miller

Thu 8th Mar 2012 11:36

Enjoyed the poem, though not a great fan of all the one-line sentences and all the "I's" for that matter.I like this line a lot, though

I have withdrawn within a concrete shell.

"indwelt" seems unnecessarily archaic.

I immediately thought that the tree was a hanging tree, don't know if that's your intent.

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