Comments
<Deleted User> (10185)
Thu 29th Mar 2012 08:54
I think we could all do with an hour a day in a room like this.
Terry White
Thu 29th Mar 2012 08:04
You capture the reader in this Laura, and you don't let them go until after they have spent the day with you in this magical room you knew in your childhood. Brilliant.
I love that I am walking through this house with you, I can feel the sunlight, the piano keys, see the garden all lite up, green . I imagine an older women eccentric and kind. Thank you, I can still feel the sun from here.
Thanks Lynn and Ray
Haha Ray - glad you approve of the line endings ;D
I did wonder about there being too much discord between consonants in that 3rd verse actually - but it was more the clash of the 'floating dust motes danced' that bothered me. I'm still thinking of ways to change that and if I decide to perform it, it will deffo be changed.
Thanks for the last verse suggestion but the playing of the piano to myself is/was a real important part of it, so it's not JUST playing, it's being allowed to play on that great big piano. Also there's a musicality going on in that last verse which would be lost if I chopped it right down.
Lovely poem, with excellent examples of when it's correct to end lines on "of" or "it"!
I don't think you need "in swathes" and "in rays", one or the other.
I think there's too much for the rhythm in the first 3 lines of last verse.
How's about?
I remember wanting Mavis to be my real mum,
so I could sit in sunlight playing
in her room without a name,
I enjoyed this, Laura. Inclined to agree with you about a break between the child and the adult last verse.
Not sure if that's a compliment or not Harry ;p
Mmm, I considered that re Mavis and the last verse, but I wanted to put some kind of break between the immediate childhood eyes and the adult perspective.
Thanks both for reading and taking time to comment. I would so love to go back to that room, it was so utterly peaceful, and time and space would just stretch out.
I agree with Harry that the last stanza would've looked better starting with 'Mavis...' - that way it's more 'of a piece' with the rest of this lovely, wistful poem. 'To waste away the golden day' - sweet.
Lot clearer than most of yours Laura...nice `memorial`
Last stanza maybe should have started with `mavis`...Perhaps `Mavis should have been my real mum`?...(only suggesting)
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Robert Mann
Tue 1st May 2012 11:44
Oh we could all do with a Mavis now and then - even in our memories.