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Through the window

The cat sat anxiously, mewing atop the folded lid,

The top of a run that once housed a few ginea pigs,

And the heavens' dead and solid grey ran parallel

To the garden's green, chaotic face

That was stemming

Into the flowers,

Through the bushes,

And up into the blossoms

Of the trees that were here before this house

 

As the window suddenly grew foggy,

I realised how closely I was looking

And how I had hoped to smell

The refreshing outdoor air

But the smell of chlorine intruded,

And I looked over to the offending bottle of bleach,

Then back to where the cat had been sitting,

I heard the sound of the television in the living room,

At that I went back

 

 

 

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Comments

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Yvonne Brunton

Sat 5th May 2012 18:35

Ah Yes, now I feel a tension between the desire for freedom and the reality of the humdrum life in the lounge - and the cat now also represents freedom as it has gone where it wants. Well done Josh. XX

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Joshua Van-Cook

Sat 5th May 2012 10:29

Thank you, I must admit I am bad for starting something, getting distracted, and then changing tense.

I have altered it with your suggestions in mind. Please let me know what you think of the alterations.

- Josh

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Yvonne Brunton

Fri 4th May 2012 21:36

This doesn't really work for me. The first verse is in the present tense and the second is in the past so the link between the two is ruptured.
Not quite sure why the cat is described as anxious as the adjective does not seem relevant to the general mood of the poem.
'sat' should actually be 'sitting'(sorry I am a saddo - wrong grammar throws me) which would be 2 syllables so you could try another single syllabled word like - left, perched, ( or you could say sod the grammar)or omit the word 'coloured'
'an immaculate..... is rather vague, try 'the immaculate....
Back to the cat. If at the end of your poem (after work surface) you put something like -

The cat stretched and abandoned her perch.
I heard the sound of the television in the living room.
At that I went back.

you get an ending that is linked back to the beginning so that the whole thing feels completed.

I like your lines 'And up into the blossoms

Of the trees that were here before this house.'

These are only my opinions and reflect the way I feel and interpret words. They may not correspond with your ideas and feelings at all.XX



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