Health and safety directives may sit on the shelf

But prick our conscience, like the holly everywhere

To make us think that Christmas is bad for the health

As many dangers lurk half-hidden in its tinselled glare.

 

Might twining ivy poison tiny toddlers who will pass?

And could pine needles stab them, drawing blood?

And, since bright baubles shatter into shards of glass,

Would it be best if we gave Christmas up for good?

 

Since surely sherry left for Santa on the hearth

Will only lead to alcohol dependency

So should we throttle Rudolph, with gran’s Christmas scarf,

Whose red nose serves to signify that tendency?

 

Mince pies must be eschewed for they are deemed too rich

For our ascetic lifestyle as we keep thin

And plates of carrots for the reindeer we must ditch

As pesticides may prosper on their skin.

 

And all the psychobabble that we tell the kids

How Santa brings the presents on his jingling sleigh

Is surely bad for mental states as our trashed nation skids

To deep depression at the cost of Christmas day.

 

So shall we just abandon Christmas to its fate

And then replace it, after some respectful interval

With some new sanitised, health-conscious date?

Might we end up with the once-ridiculed Winterval?

 

So let’s put up with foolish risks and take a chance

And so dispel irrational, quite uncalled-for fear

And join the mad frivolity of the social dance,

Just thankful that our Christmas comes but once a year.