You truly are my automare

My four-wheeled bankruptcy

My fuel-injected money pit

Made from steel and reformed shit

A velour upholstered credit card hit

Five gears of utter hell

 

We got off to the worst of starts

And it went downhill from there

Grinding brakes and groaning springs

Ropey tyres and front wheel spins

These are a few of my least favourite things

But I’ve suffered them, even so

 

The dodgy dealers who inflicted you on me

Saw me advance for miles

Well they couldn’t have missed me leave for home

They just followed the clouds of belching smoke

As they shared the profits and endless jokes

Of which I was the best punchline

 

Now you’re the bionic automobile

Cos there’s nothing original of you left

A car that’s running but barely alive

We cannot rebuild you, though Christ, we’ve tried

So I’m stuck with you till the end of time

Till death unto us part

 

I’d drive you off the edge of a cliff

But you’d conk out halfway down

I pray for a thief to tear us apart

Trouble is, you wouldn’t start

And he’d probably sue me for emotional harm

So like a leech, you stay

 

You stay there, being my automare

My 16-valve penury

Four wheels causing me endless pain

Tyre pressure, blood pressure - rising the same

You’d make Jeremy Clarkson take the train

And Jenson Button jump a bus

 

I tried to take you for a part-exchange

But the dealer committed suicide

So into Autotrader you went

Two careful owners and a third on the edge

Of a complete breakdown – you didn’t sell

People just turned up to laugh

 

Laugh at my rust-ridden automare

My air conditioned last will

But as the rain slashes down on a freezing cold street

And I climb inside you for some warmth and relief

You start first time and drive like a treat

And I get home dry and you don’t miss a beat

Neighbours all shout “your car’s really sweet”

But you’re nothing more than a motorised tease

You grey hair-inducing

Swear word-producing

Worry line-creating

Sleep-deprivating

Irritating, infuriating, personalised

Automare!