(With great respect to William McGonagall)

 

“Conservatives must win here to stop 5 more years of Gordon Brown”

This was the flyer - approved and printed – subsequently distributed round suburbs and town.

And the people of Newbury – as is their wont – largely ignored its gaudy flaunt.

Though it might well be assumed its intent was - the more Brownophobic citizens - to daunt.

And – what is more – on careful scrutiny of this claim, on the document in question

It was borne-in on the mind of one interested party, that its only intended purpose was deception.

And no matter how many times he read the words, boldly displayed thereon, in large type

He was totally unable to find a way to read it that encompassed a truth – in short: it was tripe.

As a futile gesture, an email, pointing out the impropriety, went off to Richard Benyon MP – the guilty party

But, as expected, no reply was forthcoming – even though he is not averse to response in terms mind-numbing and hearty.

So the Returning Officer was contacted, enquiring if this state of affairs might be of concern to him or her.

The reply, though perhaps a little confused, was to the effect that he was not, in this instance, the appropriate officer.

His response seemed to amount to direction towards the Electoral Commission, as being a repository of wise words.

Meanwhile, awaiting reply, enquiry was not stilled, so a similar question was put to ‘IPSA’ (of which the concerned party had heard)

This acronym expands to ‘Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority’

A title of monumental gravitas, inclined to drain from one’s person, the last drop of hilarity.

Their reply was accordingly succinct and, in terms not uncertain, and also directed him to the Electoral Commission.

But another email subsequently sent in that direction, brought response to the effect they had no jurisdiction

Further, he was told that the Electoral Commission ‘does not regulate the content of campaign literature’

To which IPSA (when challenged with this finding) responded in half a line – effectively - ‘we don’t, either’.

Now, by this juncture – as you might imagine, the enquirer was moved, not inconsiderably, towards high dudgeon

So he fired off emails in all directions – to Watchdog, and various august organs; redolent of an English Curmudgeon

Then he hit on the idea of asking the worthies of the Plain English Campaign if they might take a view

And they very kindly and promptly replied saying: “The statement is fairly clear but might or might not be true’.

However their kindness was not yet exhausted and an approach to the Queen’s English Society was suggested.

Thus an email in most carefully chosen, assembled, and punctuated prose was duly e-posted.

 

It is now many days since I took up this quest to discover if British integrity has truly died

And it seems I must conclude that it has, because not one British Bugger has usefully replied.