The Telemarketer

by John Coopey

Saturday 18th January 2014 5:50 pm

Me Hello

Voice Mr Coopey?

Me It is.

Voice Hello John. I’m Colin. Did you see Coronation Street?

Me Er..No.

Voice We’re conducting a survey into heating costs.

Me You are?

Voice Heating costs are one of the biggest outlays for British households, wouldn’t you agree?

Me Er…Yes.

Voice We at ThermaSealSolutions offer a range of products and services guaranteed to lower heating costs.

Me I’m not sure…

Voice The average British household spends over eight hundred pounds a year on heating costs which ThermaSealSolutions can reduce by up to twenty five per cent. That’s an extra two hundred pounds in your pocket. I’m sure you’d be interested in an extra two hundred pounds, John, wouldn’t you?

Me Not really.

Voice No? You wouldn’t be interested in getting an extra two hundred pounds a year?

Me Christ, No. I couldn’t do with any more money. I can’t spend it all now.

Voice (Silence while Colin searches his script for “customer objections”.)

Phone clicks off.

Comments

John Coopey

Mon 20th Jan 2014 21:01

Thankyou David and Lynn, for your thoughts.
I must say, when the telemarketer introduces himself as "Hello my name is Colin", I'm always enormously tempted to say, "Oh no it's not!"

Lynn Dye

Mon 20th Jan 2014 17:02

Brilliant, John - great ploy, I shall have to remember that one!

David Blake

Mon 20th Jan 2014 16:47

Love this. The Coronation Street comment says it all, really.

John Coopey

Sun 19th Jan 2014 20:58

Hello MC,
Thanks for your thoughts.
There is a classic YouTube clip of someone pretending to be a police officer at the scene of the murder of a householder. The Telemarketer Poops himself while the "police officer" questions the Telemarketer about his relationship with the deceased.
(I really do tell them I don't want any more money).

M.C. Newberry

Sun 19th Jan 2014 19:38

Another check on reality from the imagination of
a valued contributor!
My own delight is to occasionally pick up the
'phone (when I don't leave the machine to answer) -
and instantly go on the offensive in "Outraged of Tunbridge Wells" mode with this response:
"This is an ex-directory number! How did you
get this number? Who authorised your use of it..?"
By this time, the voice at the other end is
usually flustered and seeking a quick mental
exit. Too late - I slam down my phone!
Moral: Don't get mad (pretend mad is OK) - get even.

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The Telemarketer

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