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SOMETHING TO BELEIVE IN....

I dont wanna die, i wanna fly like a bird, write words,that, touch many herds of people, the people are struggle and striving, in this cold world, i see the pain in the eyes of a little girl, cos her daddy got smoked last night, two shots rang out, and daddy passed into the light, its like a crisis, red alert signs in my iris, third world kids waging war for rice, its a bad dream, and we aint gonna wake, till its over, dying of exaustion, we work like trojans, all for what?, so we can wake up, and do it again, witness kids with drugs and mack tens, its a....Harsh reality, but true none the less, i made it to my twenty forth birthday, im blessed, i see these mums, holding sons, lying in the street bleeding, hope is what we're needing, give me something to beleive in, IF THIS BE MY LAST DAY BREATHING, WONT YA' GIVE ME SOMTHING TO BELEIVE IN, MY GOD, IF THIS BE MY LAST DAY BREATHING, WONT YA', GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BELEIVE IN!!!

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COLD ►

Comments

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Anthony Emmerson

Fri 10th Apr 2009 11:31

Hi Yosh,
I read this and immediately thought "Eminem." It has the same immediacy and observational qualities, and a message that is universally indentifiable. I agree with what Mike says, in that sometimes the more subtle a message is, the more powerful it becomes. There are some cliches here, but I don't think that's always a bad thing - when you are talking to the people it's more effective to use the people's language. I would like to see you perform this - with the passion that obviously fuels your writing. The best of yours I've yet seen. Bravo!
Regards,
A.E.

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Noetic-fret!

Fri 10th Apr 2009 01:24

Yosh man, i agree with clarissa, it could quite well be put to music. I think if you could team up with someone who can programme some choonage you could fair quite well and get a fantastic amount of satisfaction from it. It has its relevance in todays society, i did feel as if one or two of the lines were rather cliche, but then they do say, 'cliches are cliches for very good reasons.' Yup, top notch poetry here Yosh man.
We all have angles, i am just wondering what material influences you, and further, i have a sneaking suspicion that you could even write more somberly, adding punches that would be more mind grabbing in the right places, as opposed to a continual shout. If you see what i mean. Hard hitting and relevant. Keep em coming blue!
Mike

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clarissa mckone

Thu 9th Apr 2009 18:22

Hi Yosh, very good poem here, it reads like a song almost.

darren thomas

Thu 9th Apr 2009 17:08

Hi Yosh - I ignored the punctuation and almost instantly picked up a rhythm. It 'sounds' similar to stuff from the spoken word artist 'Polarbear', who, when in full flow, is second to none in his delivery and choice of assonance rhyme.
Maybe in the not too distant future, you can give him a run for his money?

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