My Ache

 

It hurts deep inside

Shivering all over my skin

Latent after I’ve cried

Slithering moreover within

 

Sliced a gash across my heart

Sent a chill down my spine

Diced and slashed my world apart

Bent the life that was mine

 

A loss of strength and foundation

Shifting motherlands under one sun

Across a straight implication

Shaking brother’s hand under the gun

 

Only so long will life hinder

Soon a day comes for flight

Lonely but strong-willed gender

Boon delay sums our plight

 

Finding a new friend in myself

Each night I feel lesser

Hiding askew lending my health

Leech ‘spite surreal pressure

 

As clouded as every game of cards

I pretend to live a happy lie

Enshrouded with heavy shame inwards

Twilight mend, forgive, inhale my pride

 

A goal to discover the world

A warm invite overseas

A shoal impressed lover is whirled

To learn, incite inner needs

 

These customs devise my body

Satisfying my taste

Disgusting disguise embodied

Sacrificing my face

 

The thought remains the same

Haunted by the unknown

Distraught in games of shame

Flaunted by the un-owned

 

Time only for a party

Power for someone to pay

Mine only isn’t partly

Coward and no one to say

 

The pain I wear on my face

Follows me to the edge of the world

Explain the wear from this place

Hollow beaten dredges for a girl

 

Inside my sober mind

Disintegrate passion

Imbibed a lower kind

Invigorate fashion

 

I feel for one minute

No more pain or anger

A real, core imminence

For more strain and danger

 

Of what held me back before

From making the choice

Afoot, hell is back for more

Reflecting her voice

 

So now the chapter concludes

After I’ve lost it all

Somehow disaster can prove

Life derives nostalgia

 

Hope will lead me home

To suffer my ache in comfort

Elope still breathe alone

Enough for mistakes incumbent

 

Forever I praise my family

Even if it is no more

Deliver escape by simile 

Heaven infinitesimal    

 

Oceans away for forty seven days

This is not as bad as it seems

Devotion astray, euphoric striven haze

Once forgot, emphatic in dreams

 

 

What is next?

I question like the lines of this poem

Shut and vexed

A destined fight inside hopeless home

 

As I rest and prepare for what’s to come

I question what’s preparing me

In distress, I declare I’m lost, I’m done  

Direction halts precariously

 

Paying for past decisions

Creating new ones for the future

Slaying the passed minions

Debating the need for a suture

 

Time standing still again

Body victim to myself

I’m standing tall herein

Caught evicted by my help

 

Worlds away for four years

Home is no longer a place

The whirled array former gears

Moans its vote stronger to space

 

The ache hides within itself

Lifted by emancipation

This Jake strides among himself

Shifted by unmated sanction

 

Numbed behind my loss for words

Fighting awake my own heathens

Shun aligned, exhausted serves

Spiting the sake renowned clean-ends

 

Self delusion and self saboteuring

No essential reason to write

Kept intruding rational security

Non-eventful seasons of night

 

I want it all to be complete

I believe these words give the reason

The font dissolves any deceit

Time relieves, peace words live my season.

 

                                                                                 2005-7/2/2010  Jake Vincent Belmont