On my second week of university

Just eight days into sweet freedom

I developed what can only be described

As a raging case of haemorrhoids.

 

For shame, For shame

A heady mix of donner meat, Lager

And copious other poor lifestyle choices

Had led my rectum

To stand down

And my innards had

To misquote Jim Morrison

Broke on through to the other side.

 

I left this raw mass of anger and pain

Untouched and untainted

For three weeks

Three weeks of agony

Three weeks of cowardly, painful shitting

Convincing myself that my entire intestinal system

Would fall out of my sphincter

As soon as I Heaved the Ho.

 

I eventually plucked up courage

I could take the pain no more

And waddled to Boots

Desperate for a solution

Red of face and full of waste

 

I located the cream I needed

And began the endless walk to Hades

To the cashier

To certain ignominy.

 

I was terrified

Ashamed

Aching and awful

And to top it all

The line was long

And I knew the person behind me

 

I closed my fingers around the package

Desperate for no one to find out

When all of a sudden

My saviour appeared

 

Cutting in line right in front of me

Was a man in a dress

Clutching a cock ring and edible coconut lube

 

I was saved.