I’m looking for a holiday. 
I’m surfing on the internet. 
I want a little getaway, 
a place I haven’t been yet. 
I hit on this site 
-‘s got lovely colour photos, 
the prices are all right, 
there’s lotsa countries you can go. 
It’s called: Culturerelaxationandadventurepackageworld.com. Culturerelaxationandadventurepackageworld.com 
That’s C-R-A-P-World dot com. 
C-R-A-P 
CRAP WORLD! CRAP WORLD HOLIDAYS! 
CRAP WORLD! CRAP WORLD HOLIDAYS! 

Y’see, I booked myself this guided 
birdwatching tour of Morocco. 
It promised me Bald Ibis 
and the elusive Desert Sparrow. 
But when I get to Souss-Massa 
all I see are plastic bottles 
and heaps of plastic fishing tackle 
floating in the salt marsh puddles. 
There’s flocks of flip-flops, flapping bin-bags 
-the ibis’ are missing, yet 
I see a bird: it’s a Greater Flamingo
…strangled in a fishing net. 
I complain to the rep and he says 
“What did you expect? 
YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD! 
YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD HOLIDAY! 
A CRAP WORLD! 
YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD HOLIDAY!”

I thought that one might’ve been a blip 
so next year for comparison 
I book myself a river trip. 
It’s called “Jewels of the Amazon.” 
With hopes of sloths and Blue Macaws 
I board a paddle steamer, 
but when I hear the power saws 
I know I’ve been a dreamer: 
the only forest I can see 
is rows and rows of palm-oil trees. 
There’s biofuel refineries 
and miles and miles of soya beans 
soya beans 
soya beans 
soya beans 
soya beans 
until I have to scream: 
“I’M ON A CRAP WORLD! 
I’M ON A CRAP WORLD HOLIDAY! 
A CRAP WORLD! 
I’M ON A CRAP WORLD HOLIDAY!” 

Well… the next year I’m looking 
for something more cathartic, 
so I sign up for a month long 
cruise around the Arctic. 
I never see a polar bear. 
There’s no ice-bergs anywhere. 
The sea’s a lovely turquoise blue.
The glaciers’ve melted too. 
There’s not a whiff of arctic fox. 
The rep explains the paradox: 
“You tourists oughta stop and think. 
Polar bears’ve gone extinct. 
The jumbo jets that bring you here 
have heated up the atmosphere, 
AND YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD…” 

Actually… he does have a point. 
So this year, to save carbon 
I holiday in a local joint: 
a B&B in Scarborough. 
Sun, sea and… 
deck chairs in Peasholme gardens. 
Fish and chips and John Smith’s beer 
and Yorkshire pud with lard on. 
There’s pretty girls in swim suits 
but something cools my…( ahem)… ardour: 
it’s the sight of the detritus bobbing in the harbour. 
There’s an imbroglio of fishing gear, 
cellophane wrappers, cans of beer, 
nylon rags and oil drums, 
plastic bags and chemical scum. 
There’s toddlers toys and tyres of tractors. 
There’s spent fuel rods from nuclear reactors 
but there’s 
NO birds! 
NO fishes!
NO crustaceans! 
NO molluscs! 
NO cetaceans… 
except a pod of dead dolphins, 
rolling on the ocean. 

And I watch the sun rise in the east 
painting the waves a ruddy hue, 
and it strikes me: travel is now obsolete. 
All that anybody needs to do 
is sit yourself down on any beach 
and all the world’s crap comes washing up to you. 
‘COS IT’S A CRAP WORLD! 
YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD HOLIDAY! 
A CRAP WORLD! 
YOU’RE ON A CRAP WORLD HOOO-LIIII-DAAAAAAY!