I've stolen Beelzebub's iphone, now I know the numbers of his friends 

he's stuck for eternity without Facebook, oh how his hell never ends

I nicked St Peter's Kindle, now his words of wisdom are unsaid

Because I changed the password on his account, from Heaven swear words are sent

I hacked into Moses' iPad, now it's a tablet of stone

I wiped every file from the hard drive and changed all his bookmarks on Chrome

The holy ghost's lost his Instagram and has tweeted of his despair

Gone are his snaps of the celestial Christmas night out from last year

Hey, Adam and Eve are an item, it's officially been declared

They both swiped right on Tinder and are now an ecstatic pair

But Jesus, he's unliked Judas, says he just can't forgive and forget

His WhatsApp number's deleted, his Google profile reset

Now from on high comes thunder, fury, anger, plague and flood

The Almighty's forgotten his PIN number and God, he's after blood

So it's time to defrag Armageddon and map out the end of days upon an Excel spreadsheet that's compatible with solar rays

The cataclysm will be televised, though only if you've got Sky, they thrashed out a deal with Gabriel and paid a billion for the rights

But don't forget to capture the rapture with the latest selfie stick

You can pout and pose for eternity, 'til it makes the angels sick

But the worst thing about the catastrophe, that'll get all those passions stirred

Is that everyone'll lose their broadband - and that'll be the end of the world.