'He's chubby and wise
And how his eyes glisten'
But…  Sod Santa, I say
Not that anyone listens

 

His damn sleigh is a nuisance
With high whistles and bells,
The lights and the fog horn
And wet reindeer smells
 
The noise, the commotion
The hurry, the fuss
The shouting and cursing
As he flies dawn to dusk

 

And I don't need the sound
of the hooves on my roof
Nor the turds that they drop;
You know it's the truth
 
I won't be leaving mince pies,
Carrots or brandy
They're safe in my cupboard
With the snowballs and shandy

 

The mess that he makes
As he brings in the soot
I'd rather not dust
- Let the vacuum stay put

 

My chimney is blocked,
So spare his fat arse
Give Royal Mail some business
And send it first class

 

You might think that I'm moody
And call me a Scrooge
But I don't like his beard
Or his suit of bold rouge

 

So, don’t send him to my house
Bearing your gift
Just bring your good self
That'll give me a lift