It is Christmas time again
Tis the season to be jolly
But I have this fear that I'll end up
Impaled upon the holly!
Face down amongst the tinsel
Legs up in the air
A fir tree firmly rooted 
With its branches in my hair
A gravy splattered dress
Is a look I might be working
With brussel sprouts as earrings
(The pigs in blankets will be smirking)
As they watch my slow descent
To the floor of wrapping paper
Sticky tape & party bows
Assisting in my caper
Across the swirling carpet 
Smearing Stilton in my wake
Nothing standing in my way
As I head towards the cake
It is the Christmas nightmare
That I hold within my grasp
And as my dignity slips slowly 
I utter one last gasp
It's not my fault that all
Of this has come to pass
But the fault of wine & vodka
That kept filling up my glass
Those pesky little cocktails
That have aided my disgrace
The pints of scrumpy cider
The champagne by the case
The blame is theirs it isn't mine
I shouldn't be allowed 
To consume them in such number
Not a fact of I am proud 
But fortunately it's just a dream
But one that's kindly shown
That it's really truly just as well
I spent Christmas Day alone!