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when I was young..

When I was young

I wanted to be a truck driver,

but now I am older

and have travelled many miles;

 

When I was older

I wanted to be a physicist,

but my head became full of numbers and symbols

and I could no longer speak discernible language;

 

When I wanted to sweat away the books

I endeavored to be a blacksmith,

but now my body is tired

and I want to rest from these things..

 

now, I want to be a swimmer

and to cool my feet in the salt-water

and to drift away buoyant on saline

 

until I can no longer

tell the difference

between the sea and me...

🌷(5)

◄ shards--miles to go...

unreachable ►

Comments

elPintor

Fri 4th Nov 2016 22:44

Thank you much, Steve, for saying so.

elP

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steve pottinger

Fri 4th Nov 2016 18:43

There's a real beauty to this poem. An acceptance. Delightful.

elPintor

Tue 1st Nov 2016 21:47

I would like that very much, Stu.

Maybe you've seen it, but I watched Ben X (a Finnish movie, if I remember correctly) maybe a couple of years ago..I believe the young male character in that was diagnosed with Asperger's. No doubt it could be very difficult to make the switch back and forth between personas, whether writing or acting.

All in all, a good movie with a very unexpected ending.

elP

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Stu Buck

Tue 1st Nov 2016 13:20

hi elP. my first novel isnt something i am particularly proud of i have to say. its something i have on the backburner to rewrite at some point. the project i am working on at the moment is the story of an autistic man who returns to brighton to tell his father that his mother has died. while he is there he meets kate. its sort of a strange, taboo love story but with elements of real darkness which taint the whole thing. its exhausting to write, as the entire thing is done in the narrative voice of the autistic man, which is incredibly demanding. i actually have to lie down after writing each day as i find it difficult to come out of his mind and return to mine. id be happy to send you some if you wanted to read it.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 1st Nov 2016 08:13

I did wonder that ? thanks for your explanation.

elPintor

Mon 31st Oct 2016 23:16

Good evening..

Hey Stu..always good to hear from you. I would very much like to read your first novel, and about Kate who is the sea. Please tell me more. I always look forward to reading your work.

The last lines are very important to me. I don't get to make it to the ocean often, but the feel of salt water is heavenly.

And Suki, thank you kindly. I finished most of your most recent this morning before I had to leave for work. I had to laugh..my oh my what would we write about if we didn't have potential catastrophe? Looking forward to getting to the rest over dinner.

Hi Colin. I appreciate the feedback. Truthfully, I tried to make the fourth verse a little more succinct. But, wanted to convey the effortlessness of swimming in salt water versus fresh. And, there's something about saline--maybe the word is debriding.

As far as the structure goes, in the first three verses there is a sort of finality--an ending--implied. I wanted something more fluid to continue with. Thanks for asking and providing your perspective.

Again, thanks to each of you for reading and expressing your thoughts..I'm grateful.

elP

<Deleted User> (13762)

Mon 31st Oct 2016 08:04

Hi elP, I too like this but wondered why the change of structure for the last 2 verses which seem a little drawn out and wordy? All the best, Colin

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suki spangles

Mon 31st Oct 2016 07:32

A wonderful tonic to read on this grey and foggy Monday morning. I will read this again and again. Thank you for sharing.

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Stu Buck

Mon 31st Oct 2016 01:43

wonderful stuff. i am currently rewriting my second novel, the title of which is 'kate, who is the sea' and this piece, especially the last lines, is almost exactly the mood and feel i am trying to find. i love this, its beautiful.

elPintor

Sun 30th Oct 2016 23:23

Thank you, very much, David..

There is no pretense meant, as it is all personal..life is not linear as we have been taught that it "should" be.

My name is Rachel..please use it whenever you wish.

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