Drunken Thoughts
Sometimes the minutes turn to hours,
As i think of that rainy day on the first of november,
I stood in your drive with a bouquet of flowers,
And I helped you save worms, do you remember?
Water fell that night in a slow silent mist,
And i felt its chill until we finally kissed,
Deep and slow without reservations,
We gave it all away, no hesitations
Still today I can't shake this thought
I used to be strong, but in these changes you've brought,
The bottom of a bottle i’ve so often sought,
I feel pain so fresh everyday,
On the thought that our love has gone away,
I wish it had never run, I wish it was here,
But since it's not, I'll just drink another beer,
And in my sluggish head maybe I can say,
That i don't love that girl and wake up the next day,
I can't think of your name and not feel sick,
Nothing hurts me like the distance of this riff
In everything I see and all the actions I do
I hope and pray they'll lead me back to you
But if they do not I guess i'll just say,
Best of luck to you, for me, it's another drunk day
<Deleted User> (13762)
Wed 11th Jan 2017 09:10
I kinda like this Zane and the feel of some of your other pieces but I would say be careful using so many very obvious and simple end of line rhymes. Sometimes they can hold a poem back, make it ploddy, if that makes sense. Try spreading them out a bit thinner or mixing them up by sticking a few in the middle of a line. Just play around and see what happens, there's no hard and fast rules. Hope you don't mind me saying. All the best and keep posting. Colin