Lonely. Cold. The air is thick, and it’s hard to see; the weather, or my mind? It’s 3am and here we are again. I know I’ll see you in my dreams once I close my eyes, then wake up drenched in sweat, and ponder on what you’re trying to tell me for the rest of the day. How do I get to you now? I always find you in my dreams, but why am I still searching for you? You’ve given me your all since the day I saved you. You are with me, but please, do not worry for me. My mind knows you are in a better place, where there is no pain, and you are at complete peace. I understand that, I just wish I could explain that to my heart. 

 

I changed ever since God took you. When you left, you took a part of my soul with; I felt it leave as you took your last breath in my arms. I will never forget the moment your heart stopped and mine kept beating. And my God, for all the things my hands have held, the best by far was you. My friends offered comfort, but I lied and said I was busy, but not in a way that most people understand. I was busy taking deeper breaths and silencing irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing, aching heart that wanted to give up. I was busy telling myself that I was okay. Sometimes, this is still my busy. 

 

Once you were really gone, I felt as if I lost my breath and could not catch it again. It was a forever panic attack; feeling my heart dying as my soul screamed for you, and no matter what I tried to do, I continued to lose my mind. That’s the thing about pain; it demands to be felt. Living without your best friend is the closest thing you get to hell on earth. Giving you back was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. 

 

When the pages of your life were to end, I wanted to be one of the most beautiful chapters to you. I know I was, and still am, but I am not happy the way our last days were spent. I was a coward, and foolish. I thought I could save you. I never wanted to picture my life without you. I hope you left KNOWING that your life was MY lifes very best part. I let the fear of losing you consume me as a whole. I wasn’t the strong that you needed. Instead, I was the weakest I’ve ever been; lost, confused, and heart broken. Utterly scattered. I wasn’t there when you needed me the most, and for that, I failed you. I am so sorry. 

 

You came into my life when I was needing a friend, even though at that time, I didn’t know it. I asked for light, and God gave me the sun. I asked for water, and God gave me rain. I asked for happiness, and God gave me you. I could hold you all day, sit by your side always. No complaints from either of us. You were my favorite place to be, as I was yours. Whatever souls are made of, yours and mine..they are the same. You will forever be my always; my always there, always happy, always mine, always beautiful. 

 

I want you to read this, to feel this. These last few parts..they’re important. 

I can shed tears that you are gone, or I can smile because you have lived.

I can close my eyes and pray that you’ll come back, or I can open my eyes and see all that you’ve left. My heart can be empty because I can’t see you, or it can be full of the love that you shared. I can turn my back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or I can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. I can remember you that only you are gone, or I can cherish your memory and let it live on. I can cry and close my mind, be empty and turn my back, or I can do what you’d want; smile, open my eyes, love, and go on. 

 

"Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but can’t. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."- A quote I know by heart, because I've felt it. 

If I could say anything to anyone…I would tell them this..to not forget that there is a last time for everything. There will come a time where you will feed your baby for the very last time. They will fall asleep after a long day, and it will be the last time you are able to hold your sleeping world. One day, you will hold them close to your chest, and never hold them that way again. They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles, and it will be the last night you wake to this. One afternoon, you will sing to them ‘you are my sunshine’, then never sing them that song again. The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time, until there are no more times. And even then, it will take you awhile to realize. So while you are living in these times, remember that there are only so many of them. And when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them, for one last time. 

///A & BB