You'll need following ingredients:
1 female Homo Sapien pond life
1 male Homo  Sapien pond life*
1 bottle of Lambrini or cheap Prosecco
30 lambert & Butler or 10g Amber leaf rolling tobacco 
Fag papers
1 bottle of Red Square vodka
1 bottle Diet Coke
1/2g coke
Ketamine
Jeremy Kyle show plus audience of suitable misery parasites 
KFC bargain bucket

*if pond life not available any idiot or cretin in a tracksuit with a fucking ridiculous short Mohican hair cut will do. These can be harvested at you leisure from any betting shop or town centre.

Place Homo Sapiens  into a council funded flat or house, & marinade in ketamine, coke, vodka, Jeremy Kyle, premier league football & Big Brother for a lifetime. Or 15 hrs if in a rush. 

Once both homo Sapiens have vomited,  eyes are bloodshot & pupils dilated it's ready to place  his greasy Southern Fried stained hands on her crotch, to check she's up to temperature, & at this point feminine hygiene is unimportant, or non present anyway.

Now, for those men amongst us who think using a piping bag is unmanly or just simply would rather spend their cash on drink, please use the following option - once more that the necessary neurones to sustain life connect in your Neanderthal  skull & you realise what is happening, please feel free to drizzle the remaining alcohol & drugs ridden seamen onto her lower back. To aid things this area will be clearly marked with a poor, & generic tattoo: unblock nose now & wait 9 months, at the DHSS.

Have no money while you wait? Why not get another big fucking tattoo or a new phone then. Don't worry about drink, drugs or processed food while you wait for the bun to rise because as you've already commented to your 3 billion Facebook friends that "they" have computers; so it's not a problem. 

Once out of the oven place into a greasy food stained pushchair, name after something you have no fucking idea what it means in the similar style of  fucking tedious & boring pseudo celebs. & remember what gives kids bad names too....yes, the Beckham's do. This is what happens when you polish shit. & if the Katie Price is right, cum right up her, most people have.....& money doesn't buy class, right Peter? Who kicked over the trifle? Ooopppsssssss sorry Katie, didn't realise it was your battle hardened vagina resembling a punched lasagna. & if you're an utter twat with no money, you guessed it, it's worse when you have it as you'll tend to dictate how people should live their lives in tedious detail in Closer & Hello mags.....can't even wipe yer arse on their glossy pages....just smudges. 

We digress.

At this point there are two options:

Option one:
Raise what you made in the style you're accustomed to.... no! 

Option two:
In the spirt of recycling shit & saving the environment place both yourselves in to the garbage disposal & pulp, or run yourselves a nice hot bath, then pop in a toaster. - I'm just kidding, any 13 amp 240 volt appliance will do. Now let the thing of beauty breath & relax, because maybe, just maybe you made the next Einstein, the next Beethoven or just a beautiful regular human who deserves a chance, you probably couldn't be bothered to give. & remember we are the last of the genus Homo to survive....so let's not water it down anymore good people. 

Why option two? Well, because shit like you don't deserve to be born into the 1st world where it's all laid on a plate & life is good. Most people on the planet don't have to eat in a week what you wankers throw in the bin at the end of the day. Working their arse's off in 3rd world counties to give us cheap clothing, food & sex tourism - yes sex tourism, ever been to south east Asia or that culture less , soulless overpriced 7star boredom unimaginative place in the sun where 50,000 sex workers are kept without their passports....sorry, Dubai. & don't even tell me it's not your problem! You wouldn't know what problems are if you read it on Twitter. & all-the-while you piss n moan about things you could have control over, but too idle to make a change. 

My father refused expensive cancer care but you twats never get turned away when yer pregnant WTF! People work nigh shift to provide you with tattoos & mobile phones WTF! My disabled daughter who has over come hurdles all her life & fight for independence funding while you have a fucking free car WTF! Pensioners who've worked 50 years who can't afford heating & decent food while you eat for free WTF! The list is endless, & as depressing as you are. However "we" have something you'll never have: dignity.  & don't get me wrong, there's no arrogance or condescending manner involved here, I'm simply stating facts, & as I'm paying for your life then I think I'm entitled to comment. There's  a suitable App on yer £700 quid phone which can help with the larger words..BTW, LOL M8. 

Now, go run yer selves a nice hot bath......I'm happy to pay for the electricity bill.