In this advanced and modern age
Fantastic creatures fill life`s stage:
Hobbits, Vampires, Space invaders,
Super Heroines - Darth Vadors.
So what on earth`s defeating us
From fantasizing Foetus-us
Who, although they be exscinded,
Can be fantastically rescinded? 
(And by fictitious miracle
Partake in the satirical)
The problem, though, for any sage
Was how to get them on the stage

I wonder, is this problem whipped
In these nine strugglings of script ?

 scene one
 

The stage is in darkness. A motor-like hum sounds faintly.

The stage slowly lights up reveal an appropriately proportioned laboratory 
table on  which are situated seven black, shield-shaped  `pods`.  A pair of
wires stretch up from each pod and plump, little pairs of little baby arms and
legs protrude from the sides and bottoms of each of them. The front of each
pod displays electronic chip- like markings. The impression is of headless
babies enclosed in black shield-shaped electronic-chip like pods, each of
which is attached to a pair of wires like a baby bouncer attachment. the pair
of each baby`s feet touch the table..The Laboratory props and scenery are

proportioned to show them tinily.... A label is attached to each pod.

 

Slowly, a male baby`s head emerges from one of the pods and looks around disgustedly  

HEAD

Oh shit!...It`s still the same

(He jolts the next pod)

.

HEAD (cont) 

Ben! I know it`s you. Get up and take a gander
at this !

(He jolts it again)

HEAD (cont)
Ben, get up here!...(howls) What`s happened to
the yonder?...It`s not here.

(A second male baby head emerges). 

BEN
Bill?..? Wha -what`s happened? Where are we?

................................................................................................................................................

BILL
We`re still bloody-well `ere, that`s what`s
`appened!...Where`s the yonder?

 
BEN (dazedly)
It all went black...Just after she sat down in
that black leather chair.

BILL (sarcastically)
Oh yeh, Those chairs-you said were dentist`s
chairs - with the funny arm rests?

BEN
Yeh?.

BILL (sarcastically)
Well, I`ve got news for you : Those arm-rests
were leg rests...and it wasn`t their teeth they
were `avin out...it was us!

Ben (horrified)
You mean that we`re..:?

BILL 
Zapped! took out!... Dis -bloody-mantled;
all our middle bits re-wired, and stuffed
back into these bloody things.

BEN
What are you talking about?.

BILL (grimly)
Dip back down and take another mosey
around your insides.

(Ben`s head sinks, and then rises...screaming)
   
................................................................................................................................................

BEN (screams)
What have they done to us!...why are we
stlll here...like this?

Bill (bitterely)
Yeh! `why?` We should`ve been there...sailin`
off into the wide , blue, yonder!..

BEN
Will you leave off about the yonder while we think.

BILL (wails)
How can I think! stuck in a bloody lab!

(Ben starts and looks around - surprised).

BEN 
A lab?..we`re in a laboratory!... Of course!
that`s it!...we`re experiments...we`re some
kind of guinea-pigs!

BILL
Speak for yourself - I`m no pig!

BEN
Scientific guinea-pigs you fool...why else
would we be in a laboratory...all done up
like this?

BILL (disgustedly)
Well oink bloody oink!

BEN
How didn`t we guess! That ward! professors
tripping over each other! scans! bloods! the
tests!... those interminable probes!

................................................................................................................................................

BILL (wincing)
Don`t remind me.

BEN
And all of us lates - kept till the last minute before
being done...It`s obvious, they had plans...but what?

(Pause, Ben`s face registers furious thought).

BILL (sarcastically)
I know Ben, They`re gonna lay our bits out on
a table...and stitch us all back together again
...nice and neat.

(Ben`s fixes Bill with a piercing stare).

BILL (cont)
Stop it! why are you starin` at me like that?

BEN
What you`ve just said - say it again.

BILL
`Stitch us back togeth-` Ben, it was a joke. You
know- Jay, oh, kay, ee, ...joke …a joke!

BEN
Joke eh? So all that spare-part surgery was a
joke? All those hearts and lungs and livers
being stitched back on the tele were jokes?

BILL
That was them stitching their own stuff back
into themselves.

BEN
So what`s to stop them stitching our stuff back
into us...they`ve got the technology.?

................................................................................................................................................

BILL
You`v been watchin` too much of that science
stuff on the tele..

BEN
Yes, educating myself...Never mind that, twist
around and let me read what`s on your label.

(Pause...Bill twists, Ben reads)
.

BEN (aloud) 
`Resuscitation Batch one.`... (awesomely) Cripes!
...and to think...I only half believed it myself!

 

BILL (anxiously)
Does it say anything about the yonder?

BEN
The rest is all smudged...Bill, forget your Yonder
they`re going to resuscitate us! take us back!...
turn turn back the terminations!

BILL
They`ve only just bloody well zapped us here
why would they want to take us back?

BEN
Who knows? ...we`re guinea-pigs...we`re all about
science now! maybe they just want to show that
they can do it!...We`re going back!

BILL (horrified)
You go back yourself. I`m stayin` till they zap me properly
like they should`ve done...and I can sail out into the Wide
blue yonder.

BEN
There`s no need for that now. And anyway you won`t get a
choice you`ll have to go - they`ll come for you.

................................................................................................................................................

BILL
Yeh, and just wait till they do..I`ll scream and  I`ll bite..
and kick and scratch...I`ll make them glad to finish
me off.

BEN
Well - you`ll be going by yourself.

BILL
Yeh..all blissfull and `appy..to the wide, blue yonder.

BEN
Well, if that`s your attitude.

FEMALE VOICE
Ignore him, Ben, he`s not worth bothering
with. 

(A male and female head have arisen from two of the adjacent pods).

  
BEN
Phyllis!...It`s you?...you heard us?

MALE HEAD.
Every word. and my congratulations Benjamin
on a first class piece of canny deduction..

BEN
Eustace! at last, someone intelligent to talk to.

BILL
Blimey!...Brain-box and Cruella!...they`re all we 
bloody-well need!...I`m goin` back down...

(Bill`s head sinks down quickly out of sight)
.
................................................................................................................................................

Phyllis
Where`s all this wide, blue yonder from?

BEN
Some wimpy psychologist his mama consulted
....she got nervous.

 

PHYLLIS
Some vicar of oil and salve, eh...And he fell for it ?.

BEN
Ecstatically!

EUSTACE
Forget him...Ben - the label you read -what
else did it say?

BEN
I couldn`t tell, it was all blurred.. 

EUSTACE
Lean over then, and let`s see if yours is any
clearer.

(Ben turns and Eustace-squinting- reads silently).
.

BEN
What Hoh! eh, Phyllis?

PHYLLIS
Who would have thought...me? just a willing martyr
for female choice...now all set to be  a feminist first..

BEN
It`s awesome!...awesome!

................................................................................................................................................

EUSTACE (warningly) 
Oh! Oh!

BEN
What`s up?

EUSTACE
Listen to this?:
`Please note: All participants of
this batch have been subjected to 
intestinal interchange..

BEN
So...they`ve swapped our innards around a bit.

EUSTACE.
but what about this?
`therefore, upon resuscitation, any
Physically convulsive reaction from
this - or any other participant unit -
to be recognised as confirmation of
contamination and the entire batch
destroyed.

BEN
No problem...we`ll be like sleeping lambs

EUSTACE
What about him...kicking, biting, screaming?

PHYLLIS
Yes, straight off into his precious yonder.

EUSTACE
You`re not listening, Phyllis, you`re not `getting`
it.....`contamination`...entire batch destroyed...
If he goes...we go.

................................................................................................................................................

PHYLLIS
You mean they`d write us all off...just for
the sake of that selfish pig?

EUSTACE
Like a shot Phyllis...like a shot

PHYLLIS
He can`t!...get him back up here (shouts)...
Blockhead!...show yourself...get up here!

(There is no reaction from Bill`s pod)

EUSTACE
Ben, give him a knock..

(Ben swings and jolts Bill. Bill`s head comes up)
. 

BEN
Are you deaf or something?

BILL
Who wants to listen to you  lot...I bury me `ead
...down in me `stuff`.

PHYLLIS (disgustedly)
Yaaaaak!

EUSTACE
William, listen...All this kicking and screaming
nonsense stuff is out of the question.

BILL
Sez who?

................................................................................................................................................

BEN
Sez the labels...One of us kicks and screams
and they do all of us -pronto!...It`s  all about 
contamination - you wouldn`t understand.

BILL
So we all go sailin` `appily into the wide, blue
yonder!...what are you all worryin` about!

BEN
Haven`t you understood anything at all about
the experiment - about us being guinea-pigs?

BILL
You go back and `oink you bloody selves...I `m
kickin` and screamin! 

(Face utterly set, he goes back down).

 

Phyllis
I knew it...He`s going to do for all of us!...
we`re doomed!

EUSTACE
No, he`ll come around - he`ll change...surely.

BEN
About his wide, blue, yonder?....never!...you don`t know
him - he`ll never change.

(All three look at each other - horrified.)

EUSTACE
then we`ll have to change him.

The hum in the background begins to grow louder until they all go down terrified...The stage darkens and then is lit with straub lights flashing and long rasping, sounds like those of electric currents. The effect is electrically frightening...After about a minute all subsides and the stage  is left - for a moment - in darkness...Slowly the stage lights again to reveal the headless pods...the hum is once again almost inaudible.

................................................................................................................................................