This is a plug for my Fringe show at the Ilkley Literature Festival.  It's called Gringo on the Chickenbus (ignore what the ILF has published in their program - they're idiots!),  and it's at the Ilkley Playhouse on Tuesday 6th October ,  9pm.  Admission free.  Look on the gig guide for a map.

It's a one-man show,  mostly poetry with a lot of  bouncing about and a song thrown in,  and some lovely pictures on a projector screen.  It tells the story of my adventures travelling across Latin America.  Here's a sample to whet your appetites:

 

On losing my passport in Santiago,  Chile.

I lost my heart at the age of 24.

(I'd lost my innocence a few years before.)

I lost all my fear at the age of 25,

cycling across Australia.  I learned to survive.

And when I hit 30 I lost my good looks.

I'd lost  (a little bit of)  my hair by the age of 36.

So it's odd that at 42,  I should quiver like a jelly,

but that was the day I lost my passport in Santiago,  Chile.

 

I could've kicked myself!  What a stupid thing to do!!

I never lost a thing in Bolivia,  or Peru,

and then I left it in a bank - I've never felt lonelier -

when I noticed it was missing I was deep in Patagonia

a thousand miles south.  I thought,  "They'll lock me away

with a jailor who was mates with Augusto Pinochet.

He'll strap me to a table and electrocute my willy

for losing my passport in Santiago,  Chile."

 

So I went to the British Consulate,  and a nice lady there

listened to my story with a sympathetic air.

And when I went back the next day I was expecting to be paying

one hundred thousand Pesos,  but the lady met me saying,

"I think this is yours!"  - My passport!!  A man at the Embassy

had searched it out and couriered it here,  compliments of Her Majesty.

I'd worried myself sick quite unnecessar-ily, 

over losing my passport in Santiago,  Chile.

 

Now I've often knocked my country,  but this time I'm impressed.

So 3 cheers for Britain,  and the things we do best:

real ale;  The Beatles;  fish 'n' chips from heaven;

Freddy Flintoff and Churchill and 007;

red London buses in Piccadilly

and finding my passport in Santiago,  Chile.