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Power

Build me a city on broken dreams

Use the concrete of weaponry and the filling of blood

Trace rivers and shores with the tears of a thousand lost sailors

Build crosswalks at the intersection of emptiness

Place traffic lights to guide motorized souls

Build bridges to nowhere

And walls around collective thought

Carbon capture technology to prevent idea exhaust

From the factories that process differences

Through boilers that generate sameness steam

Build industry laboring for the machinery and architect

Let it be a magnet for migrating segments of the whole

Then erase, redraw, redesign and reshuffle the cards

New rules make the pieces move and new bones crumble

The dust particles of life Pompeii the old way

But new cities rise and fall above it, forgotten

New structures,, more fallen, no change

We wander up and down layers alone, 

Marching in time, in perfect step

Army boots heeding a commander

He does not need to see to believe in

With a brigade unknowingly separated by nothing

But the sequence of layers in time

Each uniform glides through broken dreams alone

Climbs hills built with the lives of others

By victors that have long since perished and become new bones

In old machinery that rises only by pushing surrounding land down

Each wanders the banks of once flowing rivers

Admiring the grief of those whose pain has long since been forgotten

Contemplating poems that seem handed down from the sky

Put in my a new city

The soldiers who trudged through constantly perishing cities alone, carrying supplies

Artists who tried to capture the essence of what was with a sketch

The neighbors who warned each other that the landscape was changing

And the gardeners that tried to resculpt the earth

I envision a city where everything intersects with everything else

A people fully encompassed

 

 

 

🌷(3)

Comments

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Kim Whysall-Hammond

Fri 26th May 2017 10:53

An excellent draft of what can be an excellent poem. I loved it a first, but then got lost along the way I'm afraid. My longer poems are like this one at first. Leave it for a while, then look at it again and prune (gently) so that what you are trying to say is clearer.

I don't sometimes realise what a poem of mine is saying until I've read it again a while later.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Thu 25th May 2017 08:20

I like this Emily despite finding it somewhat convoluted - in places the flow gets broken with missing or accidentally added words? - 'Put in my a new city' - 'The dust particles of life Pompeii the old way'. I'm not sure how to read them. But there are some excellent lines here also - 'Contemplating poems that seem handed down from the sky' and 'Carbon capture technology to prevent idea exhaust'.

I think this would be an excellent poem to take along to a writing workshop to discuss, analyse and edit down to something a little more concise. I hope that little bit of critique helps and doesn't sound too critical. I don't want to scare you away since you've only just joined Write Out Loud. Welcome btw. Your bio is intriguing - 'Investment banker type masquerading as a hippie'. Sounds like a rich source for poetic inspiration?

There are a lot of very good and varied writers here on WoL so if you have the time and inclination then you have found a valuable resource for learning and improvement. Just take a look at the daily blog posts to get an idea of what's happening here.

Good luck and best wishes,
Colin

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Raj Ferds

Thu 25th May 2017 06:26

Wonderful and powerful Emily.
A time for healing, forgiveness, reformation and renewal. All encapsulated in this topical piece.

Stay blessed.
Raj

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