If you were a pub

I’d come inside you all the time

I’d come inside you for a quick one

Or a cheeky one after work.

On a Friday I’d come inside you

And I wouldn’t leave until you closed.

If you were a pub

I’d come inside you to ease my sorrows

To celebrate, and to laugh

And if it was available

Sometimes I’d visit your back bar.

If you were a pub

I’d invite all my friends

To come inside you

And I’d make friends with strangers

And have fights with people

Who I believe have no business whatsoever being inside you.

If you were a pub

I’d come inside you all the time

And put fags out on your carpet

And spill beer all over you

And vomit, and swear

And discuss politics.

And I know you’d never bar me

Because you have enough trouble

Attracting customers

As it is.