They reckon a man needs an ‘obby

To balance ‘is work, rest and play;

An’ also there’s summat about Idle ‘Ands

And keeping the devil at bay.

 

Meself, I’ve tried some pastimes and games

But just when I get in the groove

Our Gert makes ‘er views abundantly plain;

It’s clear – Our Gert don’t approve!

 

I ought to provide some examples

To substantiate just what I mean,

Of ‘ow when I start up an ‘obby

She shows as she’s not awf’lly keen.

 

I recently took up fishing again

(A pleasant, peaceful pursuit)

I’d just started learning to catch ‘em when

She invites me to give it the boot.

 

Despite mi appearance I go to the gym-

I row for more than an hour!

But this independence is viewed very dim;

It meets with a furious glower.

 

I cycle to try to ‘elp me get fit

She makes it quite clear she don’t like

The thought I’m enjoying missen one bit-

Peddling about on mi bike.

 

I play mi guitar just like it could talk

(I joke that it shouts, “Put me down!”)

But ‘er eyes then glare like those of an ‘awk

As ‘er fizzog makes with a frown.

 

I’ve also been known to twitch with ‘er dad

That means I that like spotting birds

(The feathered species I ‘asten to add)

But it allus ends up in harsh words.

 

And then we come to this poetry thing

You’ve guessed it – She no like!

What’s worse, I suffer double the grief

For doing this Open Mic.

 

A common link’s now coming across

That, despite being good for me ‘ealth,

She says she resents these ‘obbies becos

I’m doing ‘em all by meself.

 

She tells me that it’s not natural

I ought to do stuff with mi friends

Well maybe she’s right – it’s plausible;

Perhaps I should try make amends.

 

I will!  I’ll follow Our Gert’s advice

And broaden out all me affairs;

I’ll try some extra-marital sex

An’ take up an ‘obby for pairs.

 

This double entendre might make you groan

It’s not that I mean to offend

It means I can kill two birds with one stone

By “Widening the circle of friends!”.