Life in a Small cul-de-sac (Not poetry per se, but a bit of fun I hope)

 

Life continues to be exciting in our small cul-de-sac. This evening saw the incident of the "blue-bin falling over". This brought everyone out to check and whilst the bin remained like an upside-down turtle, we pondered (whilst standing in the 50 mph winds) what could have caused such a disaster? It was finally decided a very strong hedgehog must have given it a nudge. All went home happy with this explanation, although I must admit I was not totally convinced. Call me cynical, or Andy, whichever takes your fancy.

 

An urgent meeting of our neighbourhood watch for the small cul-de-sac was called tonight. Everyone was perplexed as to who has moved the gnome from outside No. 6 to No. 12. Emotions were running high and accusations of larceny were posited, but since No. 12 has been empty for 6 months we decided to put the issue on the back-burner for now until more evidence comes to light.

 

Another urgent meeting of the small cul-de-sac neighbourhood watch took place to establish who exactly could have written, with his fingers, in the dirt on the back of the Vauxhall Corsa at No. 17 "Dirtier than most, Corsa than Most". Emotions were running high. What with the bin and the gnome swapping, we think we are the target of some right-wing faction. Guards will now be put on rotation until this malicious vendetta comes to halt (my own feeling as an experienced investigator is that it was probably the hedgehog again or naughty school children, but no-one was listening to me, so I had another biscuit).

 

A bit of a kerfuffle in our small cul-de-sac this morning. It was black bin day, so after the bin lorry had noisily done what it does best and moved on to stop the traffic elsewhere, the race was on. This is a weekly event. To earn points in the much coveted monthly small cul-de-sac "best neighbour" competition, people rush out to the now empty black bins in order to return them to their rightful positions 10 yards away. However, this morning two neighbours arrived at a black bin at the same time. Well. Not good. Chaos ensued - A bloody nose, No. 8's winter pansies squashed and the wheelie bin now has only one wheel. A Unibin if you will. The police were called, the chairman of the small cul-de-sac neighbourhood watch was called. Emotions were running high. I haven't seen so much excitement since..well, erm, well, since the mysterious blue bin falling over incident. The police said they were considering GBH charges on behalf of the winter pansies, but the resident at No. 8 said he didn't want to press charges as they would probably recover. I think the police were joking. I hope so. For Dad's sake. A meeting of the small cul-de-sac neighbourhood watch committee has been called, but for later in the week to allow tempers to cool. Never a dull moment.

 

Another scandal has erupted in our small cul-de-sac. Some wily felon has nailed a "Missing Cat" poster to our telegraph pole. An emergency meeting of the neighbourhood watch committee was convened as people were concerned that this could attract undesirables down our small cul-de-sac and that broadband speeds may be affected. I did point out that this was unlikely, but since no-one was listening I had another biscuit. The chairman of the neighbourhood watch committee said he had called all the appropriate agencies, BT, the Police, MI5 and so on, but I'm not sure this was a reasonable reaction. If anyone has lost a cat, then our small cul-de-sac is the place to start, since there are millions of the buggers running around (one less after someone shot a ginger cat next door whilst apparently aiming at pigeons, but that is a different story). Anyway, emotions were running high. It was the same when the bloke next door but one put up Christmas lights in October. This was also seen as a security risk and the Chairman wrote to the resident (who lives next door) and kindly asked him to wait until December before turning them on. That ended up being an ugly scene as well and the winter pansies were feeling threatened again, but the only damage was a bump on the head of the neighbourhood watch chairman as the resident with the lights is from Glasgow.

 

A bit of a Hullaballoo this morning in our small cul-de-sac (again). The Glaswegian insists the Christmas lights are staying on (but I suspect the Chairman of the Neighbourhood Watch Committee may snip the wire). Anyway, I digress, No. 2 has decided to have 26 solar panels attached to his roof. Needless to say the small cul-de-sac residents weren't happy with this. We take a dim view of such aesthetic vandalism. The Police, Health and Safety representatives and the press were called. We are worried that the bungalow roof won't take the weight and if a hurricane visits us we could all be in trouble from flying glass. And besides, they haven't left any room for the mandatory satellite dish. God help us. What are they thinking.

 

More bother today in our small cul-de-sac. The Glaswegian wasn't taking no for an answer and gave the Neighbourhood Watch Chairman another Glasgow kiss and said the lights would stay on. Until January. Another crisis has arisen. The woman from No. 7 has claimed that her red thong has been stolen from her washing line. We were all bemused by this as we didn't know what a Thong looked like. Turns out it had blown off the line and landed on her neighbours tomato plants. Free Tomatoes are being handed around down the small cul-de-sac, but not many takers so far.

 

All hell has broken loose in our small cul-de-sac today. The family of the ex-resident of No. 10 (recently passed away) were clearing out the garage and found a WW2 hand-grenade. Well, never seen such excitement. Blue lights, bomb disposal teams, the chairman of the neighbourhood watch committee, the RSPCA (not sure why) and the postman who is from Spain but was held just in case he was a member of ISIS. Emotions were running high. It all worked out OK though, since the recently passed resident of No. 10 worked in stage props at the local theatre and the "grenade" was made of old eggshells. Phew. Never a dull moment.

 

More trouble in our small cul-de-sac I'm afraid. The son of the resident at No.16 has been seen smoking outside the property by members of the Neighbourhood Watch committee. This is against the constitution, so the Chairman was contacted to stop this unseemly behaviour. This was compounded by the fact that when the son was drunk he missed the drain he normally throws the nub-ends in, resulting in a littering offence. The Chairman confronted the son and was told that next time he interfered the nub-end would be rammed up his rear-end. Whilst still lit. Nothing more has been said since.

 

More commotion in our small cul-de-sac today as a coachload of sightseers pulled in to marvel at the Christmas lights put up in October outside next door but one. The coach blocked the road and our Glaswegian entrepreneur was offering Maxwell House coffee or Green tea for £1 a go (No biscuits though, otherwise I'd have popped round). This resulted in people who don't know it is a small Cul-de-sac having to go onto the pavement to get past the coach only to get to the bottom of the small cul-de-sac, having to turn around and repeat the process again to get out. Clearly a security risk, so the neighbourhood watch chairman was drafted in. Emotions were running high, the postman was later than usual as he'd popped in for a Maxwell House and the Glaswegian nutted a Jehovah's Witness who complained about the poor access to our small cul-de-sac. Every cloud has a silver lining.

 

Uproar.  It has been raining so hard that the end of our small cul-de-sac has flooded causing untold damage to the Geraniums at No. 21.  Emotions were running high.  The residents felt that it was due to the dodgy son of the resident of No. 16 throwing his cigarette ends down the drain, thus blocking it and causing the flood.  The dodgy son joined them in the rain and puddles brandishing an umbrella and asked what was going on.  Silence.  The Chairman of the neighbourhood watch committee wasn’t about to say anything, so it was down to the Glaswegian from next door but one to say he would sort it out, but the residents felt that what with Jehovah’s Witness incident, enough violence had been seen for the day.  In the end, they called the fire brigade to sort it out and the RSPCA in case any cats were in danger of drowning.  I wish.  Never a dull moment.

 

Pandemonium today. The old lady at No. 25 inconsiderately decided to collapse.  Paramedics, Ambulances and even an RSPCA van (apparently, she had 6 cats which may explain a lot) were in attendance.  The residents were not happy as the road was blocked.  Emotions were running high and the Chairman of the small cul-de-sac neighbourhood watch was called out.  Obviously, things were a bit serious as the next we knew was the Air Ambulance Helicopter arrived and landed in our small cul-de-sac.  A sight to behold.  The residents were even more unhappy about the road blockage and the surly son of the resident at No. 16 was having words with the helicopter pilot since the rotor blades had blown his fag out.  Residents of No. 15 came out to complain that all the petals on their flowers had been blown off and the lady from No. 18 came out to have a look.  She got a new hairstyle and her cat, trailing in her wake, looked like he’d an electric shock.  Serves him right since he keeps crapping in Dad’s flowerbeds.  Anyway, they whisked her away and I hope she is OK.  Never a dull moment.