Is the earth in your 4th house causing you anxiety until the milky way in your heart sector gives way to mars meaning you're once again at one with the universe or, at least this galaxy, until the seventeenth of the month, when wispas of impropriety can be hurtful and neptune snaffles your curly-freaking-wurly?  Or does none of what I just said ever actually happen at any time, ever?  Perhaps the stars can shed some light...

 

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Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 19)

 

Promotion eludes

you once more. Forward planning

has never been your

 

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20)

 

Steer clear of you know who

Whilst Pisces is in Venus

Don't reveal that bingo win

He'll take you to the cleaners.

A chance remark in Somerfield

Might leave you feeling twitchy

Take it with a pinch of salt:

Maureen's being bitchy.

 

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)

 

Pixcelated by privacy glass

Wednesday's callers are bailiffs alas.

 

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

 

He's been up to his dirty old tricks

This time you will want to up sticks

I'm afraid there's a price

For my dubious advice

Text PIG to 85106.

 

Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21)

 

Planets in fire signs

Will cause you to frown

When you can't start the Jag

As your cottage burns down.

 

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)

 

A young chap with an RX8

(A fancy car by Mazda)

Might not appeal, when I reveal

His suit was bought from Asda

But reappraise your snobbish ways

Could virtue lurk beneath?

No. Not on this occasion.

 

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

 

A bothersome so and so

ruins another

great Haiku this Thurs

 

 

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 23)

 

Though Venus will clash with Pluto

And your left arm's in a sling

You'll feel like taking all your clothes off

And dancing to The Rite of Spring.

 

Libra (Sep 24 - Oct 23)

 

Women can be unpredictable creatures

On Thursday a text message leaves you speechless.

 

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22)

 

The loss of your job

or the death of a pet?

Jupiter's not made his mind up just yet...

 

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)

 

Your washing machine's far from new

It dies when a full moon's in view

Just don't make a balls

Of hand-washing your smalls

Or your whites will take on a pink hue.

 

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)

 

Hey diddle-diddle

Your dad's on the fiddle

He's claimed DLA since last June

The Social aren't keen on this sort of thing

So you'd best warn the bastard off soon.