The Staff Room Celebrates

 

“Now I know you’ll want to go out

and join the celebrations, but remember Kylie,

It’s not clever being drunk.”

 

That’s it, thank God, let’s celebrate

And eat the pattied calf.

Let’s go to McDonalds after work

Then drink until the last spark

Of sobriety has been extinguished

And the world goes dark.

Oh we’ll need no excuses.

It’s the festive season, we’ve just got paid,

Lets go for it

And with a bit of luck we might just get laid.

 

We’ll need to sink a glass or ten

Witrh some people who can really drink.

Anyone will do though I generally prefer

Someone who’ll think me a star if I throw up in their sink.

Don’t ask them.

They don’t know what celebration is.

Miserable gits, don’t stand their round,

Can’t even bring themselves to smile.

A liability,an embarrassment, no dignity.

We must get pissed in style.

 

Who the fuck are you?
Oh, it’s your Christmas party?

Thanks for inviting us, mate.

Have a drink which you’ve kindly provided.

Sorry if we’re loud

And we’ve arrived in a crowd

We’re here to celebrate.

Let’s sing, put something decent on.

Let’s sing something we don’t know the words to.

 

“Keep the faith, Keep the fai-aith,

I am sailing, I am sailing

Da da da, da da da da,

Well here it is Merry Christmas,

Everybody’s getting pissed”

 

What d’you mean noisy?

Fuck your neighbours!

Let’s have a row.

A proper one involving chairs and bottles

To reinforce our point.

Let’s say all those things best left unsaid

And hope no-one remembers in the morning.

It’s a celebration.

Let’s be intimate, let’s flirt,

Let’s get our dicks out for the girls

In their low cut blouses and bare midriffs.

Fuck that, let’s fuck.

Oops! Sorry, just got carried away.

Didn’t realise that was your husband.

 

Is this a celebration or not?

Don’t be so fuckin’ miserable.

Don’t hide away at the back

Pretending you’re not with us.

Have a Sambuca, set yourself on fire

Give us a laugh.

Go on, say what you’re thinking.

So fuckin’ superior aren’t you?

Hate to see people enjoying themselves.

Just go home you kill-joy, miserable saddo,

Leave us to live a little longer.

You can’t begrudge a bit of happiness

In our debt-ridden, stress-ridden, be-mortgaged lives.

 

“And so class may I wish you all a Merry Christmas.

And please remember Kylie,

If you can’t be good be careful.”

 

Dave Morgan