When I fall, I fall hard.

when I cry, I cry in secret.

i hide so much from everyone.

i lie to so many people.

I pretend that I’m not hurt or damaged, but I am.

and even I know that.

i live in worlds I design to escape the torture of reality.

i take up sanctuary in the world of fandom.

i have very few friends. 

Real and temporary.

i don’t trust anyone, yet I’m too trusting.

i miss it.

i miss my home. 

I miss happiness.

i miss not being unstable.

i wish I could have fixed it.

made better friends.

trusted the trustworthy. 

Prepared myself for the cruelty of the world.

The one I love doesn’t even exist.

i don’t know how I live like this.

live alone.

sadness like a storm cloud.

broken hearted over the things I’ve lost.

because when I fall, I fall hard.

crashing to earth.

back to the unforgiving reality once more.

tears slip down my face. 

I am alone.

even in a crowd of people.

the only ones I trust are the friends inside my head and a friend I’ve had since kindergarten.

the darkness envelopes me as I silently sob.

sleep evades me once again.

I remember my love’s face, and it makes me cry even more.

i wouldn’t be accepted or even here if anyone knew.

i don’t even know why I am writing this. 

I know the answer to that.

When I fall, I fall hard.

and I’m falling now.