10/21/2018

Isolation. Like a secret on an island. Intimidation with any kind of relation.

Now every time I'm touched, I bite back with retaliation. Permenant vacation all by yourself. Nice at first. Then you're given more alone time than you will ever need.

The trees rustle in the fall air. My hair tangles, the tips covered in white paint. Working to nurse my aching soul.

My nails rigid and the dark lavender chipped off. Because a girl like me doesn't rest.

I tried to show my pretty hands off for 1 week. I asked not to be taken anywhere fancy. I wore a dress and painted my feet.

I've been tossing and turning, I've been losing sleep.

It's difficult for my fatigue to show but it's starting to show. I look in the mirror and I know. My eyes usually a little brighter, my circles usually a little lighter. My spirits usually a little higher.

I'm nursing my mental state as quickly as I can with no ones time line but my own.

I rearranged my home and exchanged a few words, simply for the need to be heard.

My fingers racing to share them before I changed my mind but what good would they do? What did they actually mean to you.

My plans for the weekend stayed the same but spent alone, half heartedly checking my phone. But Prince Charming is not real and fairy tales are fake.

 I didn't realize I considered the prospect so seriously. I didn't recognize I was in the middle of stepping off of the cliff so fearlessly.

But you know, people say things they don't mean, people talk to you so sweet. People can turn around and people can be so mean.

I was so calm, so serene. Digging into your soul to give you a chance. To let go of all your past heart ache, all your hate. So much hate. There are people with broken hearts walking around every day, the same as if someone has died and nobody notices. And I would have given you more time but I have to hold my own pieces together. 

I have my own burdens to bear. My aches just as fresh as if they were the age of 14 days.

I pray God hears me and hears you and heals us both and I pray God knows I am not really angry at God. I just don't understand.

I dumped my remains into the sand and held my face in my hands and tried to find peace with the ocean but it only rocked back and forth roughly and tried to persuade me to come with it. It only glared at me.

And the skies grew dark and fed the ocean their fury and we all ended up immersed in its tears. I was seeking cover, as I always do. And shivering with something that will never really disappear.

The tears of the sky were bigger than mine, belittling me and drenching my body and my remains washed away, as they always do.

I'm in the middle of letting go, just like I always do.