Fatal Attraction...

(tribute to “It would never have worked” by Victoria Wood)

 

I don’t really think we were made for each other,

I listen to radio 4,

You watch Big Brother!

You drink P.G.

And I drink Darjeeling,

I don’t think between us

 there’s that special feeling!

 

You fancy me,

I fancy your mother,

At a push, if I was very drunk,

I might kiss your brother!

I’m a Marxist

And you’re an Aries,

I like Demons

but you prefer Fairies!

 I don’t really think we were made for each other,

I listen to radio 4,

You watch Big Brother!

You drink P.G.

And I drink Darjeeling,

I don’t think between us

 there’s that special feeling!

 

 

You love my company,

I think yours is bad,

You want to take me to a cafe,

I say it would make me sad!

I’m you’re ideal woman,

Debbie Harry’s my ideal man,

You love Theresa May,

I’d chop her up and put her in a can!

 

 I don’t really think we were made for each other,

I listen to radio 4,

You watch Big Brother!

You drink P.G.

And I drink Darjeeling,

I don’t think between us

 there’s that special feeling!

 

 

I think our love

Was doomed from the start

You think I’m an angel

And I think you’re a spare part!

I’m a committed lacto-ovo vegetarian,

You’re a liver loving McDonalds eating barbarian!

I sip champagne with my fahitas,

You eat chips and curry sauce swilled down with wife beater!

I read Dostoevsky

And you read the Dandy,

You’re practically celibate

And I’m very handy!

 

I don’t really think we were made for each other,

I listen to radio 4,

You watch Big Brother!

You drink P.G.

And I drink Darjeeling,

I don’t think between us

 there’s that special feeling!

 

 

I was looking to be compared to a rose,

You were too preoccupied picking your nose,

I wanted you to woo and serenade me,

You were too busy trying on my underwear to lay me!

I think it’s better

Just to throw in the towel,

A lifetime together

Would make us both howl,

I’d probably kill you

Put you under the patio,

So all in all honey,

It’s better if you just go!

 

I don’t really think we were made for each other,

I listen to radio 4,

You watch Big Brother!

Bore the nation street,

Dead enders and Jeremy Kyle,

But...

You still make me smile!