Falling Down The Cracks In The Pavement

 

I’ve given up the cakes

and all the biscuits too,
I’ve given up the beer

(and I really liked a brew).

I’ve given up the crisps,

I’ve given up the Coke,

I’m really trying hard to be

a really slimmer bloke.

 

The curries have gone with the wind,

the Mexican’s waved goodbye,

the Chinese are prawn crackered

and I’ve said goodbye to Tai.

My geography is failing,

I no longer have a clue

about the countries of the world

or the taste of Vindaloo.

 

I’m the only man in Wigan

who says “NO!” to a pie,

I can have fried fish and chips

but without the chips – or fry!

It’s Ryvita’s for me now boys

when I want a tasty treat

as they’re made of chuffing cardboard

rather than bread that’s made of wheat.

 

I’ve started eating veg,

I’ve started eating fruit,

I’m shitting like a good ‘un

with all that fibre to boot.

The pizzas are on hold,

I’ve started scoffing kale -

and did I fucking mention

that I’ve given up the ale?

 

I’ve discovered sweet potatoes -

I’ve let real potatoes go

‘cos ones a veg and one’s a tuber

and I didn’t even know.

I haven’t had a pudding

since a time that’s way back when.

I really cannot wait

to have a Spotted Dick again.

 

When I look in the mirror

I no longer think “A Whale!”

My jeans are hanging so far off my arse

I could end up in jail.

I remember butter -

I did it in the past -

the crack cocaine of dairy food

but now I’m on a fast.

 

I’m drinking so much water

that I constantly have to piss,

I‘m thinking of having a tube fitted

on the end of my penis

then I can watch a half of football

without having to get up.

I can get rid of the urine

From cup to bladder to cup.

 

All this has been a struggle

but one I’m glad I undertook

If only for the simple pleasure

of the quite confounded look

that the sales assistant gave me

as he wondered what it means

when some guy screams “Hallelujah”

‘cos he’s bought a pair of smaller jeans.