The hounds of Brighton tremble when Marianne walks her dogs,

they call a general meeting and discuss how

to nobble their rivals, who are so sleek and nimble.

 

For she is the mistress of the doggie world,

a status which was shattered on the day she met Inspector Cuffem,

the chief cop with a reputation for chasing dog owners,

Concern for her charges, Barkalot, Situp and Unbuckle,

caused her to remonstrate, saying, ‘Please don’t lump me

with all those council estate doggie foulers.

 

‘My pets are well behaved, they don’t bark at postmen
and even stand to attention when the national anthem is played.

‘I may be obsessed with all things canine, after all, it is my pet subject.

So you see I really don’t merit a fine.’

 

At which the policeman gave a stifled chuckle.

 

‘What’s more,’ she continued,’ I met sergeant Lockemup,

and he said you were always showing off about your well-bred poodles,

taking them on luxury holidays to Las Vegas.

You’ve trained the dogs to operate the slot machines,

after which you make a huge killing

by selling your innocent pets to third-world zoos.’

So don’t you dare try to do me for not looking after my dogs’ poos.’

 

‘My dear lady, imposing a monetary punishment

was not on my agenda, just a quiet drink and maybe a waltz.

I have a private table you know, at a fancy club called The Hacienda.’

 

‘Oh, you have caught me at a disadvantage.

 Shall we find a seat and I can eat my lunch…

Er, would you like a ham sandwich?’

 

‘Thanks, that would a nice filler before I return to my beat,

 the station and it’s canteen.’

 

‘Oh, do you like the food there?’

‘Indeed I do, but...’

‘What?’

‘They all think I’m an old hasbeen.’

‘Thank you. Can you cha cha, you young-looking old man, I prefer it to a waltz?’

 

‘Indeed I can, in fact I can dance to anything of your choice, even the cha cha.’

‘Great, so I’ll see you tomorrow at the aforementioned Hacienda.’

 

Such is the tale of Marianne, whose partnership with

a canine-coveting cop became the talk of Brighton.

 

They now live in an isolated cottage underneath Mount Snowdon,

where he acts as consulting detective to the local police,

while she runs a rock-climbing course for nimble dogs,

who catch the elusive sheep and then covet their fleece.

 

In time they will enter the Pearly Gates,

with their respective pets hard at their heels,

barking and sniffing each other,

for like their owners, they are indeed unlikely soulmates.