Waiting.
This is my attempt to write a Haiku poem. I know very little on this subject but fancied a go. Feel free to tell me how bad it is ; )
Waiting.
An old oil lamp post,
Gauzy, black sky, endlessly shifting,
Brittle, skeletal branches.
Comments
Kathryn,
Haiku is a really difficult form to get right. I always feel compromised when trying to write it because one always wants to add-to or embellish an idea but the disciplines won't let you. Mind you when you come close, the satisfaction is x10 normal.
Thanks Graham, i did know about the 5 -7-5, though a few websites had said slight changes were sometimes ok?
I did try for the 5-7-5 and sort of talked myself into leaving it because i thought it sounded better?! As i said it is my first venture into Haiku so i will have to just see if it grabs me!
Thanks.
Hello Kathryn.
Only one criticism is the number of syllables that you have used. It is generally accepted that Haiku uses a 5-7-5 structure, whereas yours is 5-9-7. Words look good though.
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Alan Summers
Mon 29th Mar 2010 12:34
Hi Kathryn,
You were quite right to try something away from the "perceived" form of haiku (see below on tips).
Haiku don't tend to have titles, or even head notes, and punctuation is kept to a minimum.
Hope you write some more! ;-)
Alan
Tips about writing a Haiku
It's an urban myth that haiku have to be 5/7/5 English-language syllables.
If you do write them that way make sure your writing is natural.
Many traffic signs in Japan are 5/7/5 but they are certainly not haiku. ;-)
Think of a haiku as two parts, one line and two lines, doesn't matter
which order.
Use a subtle clue to suggest the season e.g.
cool morning
birdsong
light on a distant cloud
Alan Summers
1. Haiku Friends Vol. 3 Ed. Masaharu Hirata Osaka, Japan (2009)
2. Birdsong - a haiku sequence Together They Stood Poetry Now 2004 ISBN 1844607852
3. Azami Haiku in English Commemorative Issue 2000
4. Modern Haiku, USA Fall, October 1999
'cool' is a clue to the season. This clue is also known as a kigo, or season word. Cool is a clue or season word suggesting Summer.
Sometimes the season clue can be obvious and even point to a specific day e.g.
allhallowmas...
the goblins go back
into their books
Alan Summers
1. The Haiku Calendar 2010 ISBN 978-1-903543-27-6 (November)
2. Haiku Friends 2 ed. Masaharu Hirata, Osaka Japan 2007
So remember to indicate the time of year with a seasonal clue, and that's your one line finished.
Next is the two line part otherwise known as the 'phrase'.
I prefer to write about something I've personally experienced, as it's also a great reminder, even years later, of what happend. e.g.
a girl’s laughter
in and out of nettlebeds
a cabbage butterfly
Alan Summers
1. Runner up Snapshot Press Millennium Haiku Calendar Competiton
2. Highly Commended 1997 Hobo Haiku International Competition, New South Wales, Australia
3. The Redmoon Anthology 1997 ISBN 0-9657818-5-2 Redmoon Press U.S.A.
4. Haiku International, Japan May 1997
'cabbage butterfly' suggests the time around Summer, and the girl's
laughter in the nettlebeds reminds me of a wonderful time in an inner-city farm.
Have a go yourself, it's easy, but remember to make the language sound
natural, especially if you do want to attempt 5/7/5.
Good luck!
Alan
With Words:
http://www.withwords.org.uk/what.html
Alan's Events Blog: http://area17.blogspot.com
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