Hi there

I'm Stan from Stan, Stan and Stan Estates

How are you?

Good good, I'm glad

Glorious day, glorious day

Except for the massive storm obviously

Look at my hair!

It's a kind of gel

It's all crinkly and messed up

It's supposed to look casual

But I spend five hours every morning

Making it look just right

Look at my tie!

Pure penguin skin, I'm assured

Spanking suit and sparkling shoes from Topman

 

Look at my shiny teeth

And concentrate on my voice

My confident, fast-talking, I-know-my-business voice

Look at my face

Look at my face

I love my job, you're my new best friend

I am a human being

And I'm certainly not doing this for the money

 

Anyway, this is a great area, great area

That wasn't a gunshot you heard it was a dog bang-barking

This is the building

Crumbling to the ground some say

Near dilapidated some say

Responsible for the death of five elderly charity workers some say

But no, no no

It's not old

It's archaic, from a lost era

Before all your modern fancy “health and safety regulations” came to the fore

Don't look at the front garden

Ignore the severed leg, dead cats and used needles

 

Concentrate on my face

Look at my face

Look at my face

 

Let's go in

This is the hallway

No time to look at it properly

What's that?

Smells like a three week-old corpse that's been drowned in its own piss?

Oh, I love your sense of humour

Let's go upstairs

No wheelchair access

But then again

It's their fault for pricing themselves out of the market

By getting all crippled up

 

Ignore what I say

Just concentrate on my tone

Look at my face

Look at my face

Look at my face

LOOK AT MY FACE

 

Right now, this is the flat

It's very comfortable and compact

This room is a bedroom slash kitchen slash bathroom

All mods cons

Walls, ceiling, everything

That's not mould, it's just got a very lived in look

Don't look at the mould!

 

Look at my face

Look at my face

Look at my face

Look at my face

 

There's no toilet as yet

But there is a very deep sink in the kitchen

And you look like the kind of practical person who will make do

You like animals, right?

Great, great

Then you won't mind the incredibly cute

Special breed of rat-looking mice we installed just for you

 

Oh look, there's ones now!

 

Look at my face

Look at my face

 

What was that?

Oh it's only nine hundred pounds a month

Very cheap for this area

And think about it this way:

It's only a month's wages for you isn't it?

 

 

Look at my face

Look at my face

 

So that's two months rent deposit

And one month rent in advance

And the contract handling fee

Is a hundred pounds

Because, despite what I said earlier

I am in fact a slick, heartless cunt

Haha! I'm joking, obviously.

 

So are we agreed on the price?

It's not like you have a choice, is it?

Fantastic.

Sign here.

Brilliant.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Are you getting the bus home?

Well, good luck, I'll probably pass you in my Merc

Which you've helped pay for.

 

Have a great day.