A Bag of Spuds and a Swede (part 1)

 

It was as if his birthdays had all come at once

Double family allowance, and double dole

But now he’s down to just twelve and half pence

Sat alone in the watering hole

 

He’d been up since the crack o’ dawn that day

And snuck down as his family all slept

And he rifled through Annie’s old handbag

Where her most prized possessions were kept

 

And he found it… The holy grail of prizes

He couldn’t believe his good luck

A crock of gold at the end of the rainbow

The family allowance book

 

It’s not really nickin’… he told himsen

I’ll pay her back when I get straight

But I’ve an appointment in’t Feathers

I’m meetin’ up mi mate

 

Now… fifteen hours later

Who’d have thought that he’d

Have nowt to show, for all that brass

But a bag of spuds, and a swede

 

Twelve and half pence in his pocket

And a family of nine to feed

And nowt to show for all that brass

But a bag of spuds, and a swede

 

So now he sits there alone, and ignored

Though he’d had friends aplenty that day

But fairweather friends are flighty and fickle

When the money ran out…. So did they

  

He was ever so popular when he was flush

Flashing his cash, the flash sod

“The drinks are on me”, he remembered saying

As he tried to impress with his wad

 

And “The drinks are on me” again and again

As they drank with relish and passion

And he bought everybody each round all day long

Like money was going out of fashion                                                         

 

He’d loved the attention that money can bring

They drank with vigour, and vim

And popular….  Everyone laughed at his jokes

Though really the joke was on him

 

So now he sits down, alone and dejected

Crestfallen, and all on his tod

Thumbing the twelve and half pence in his pocket

All that is left of his wad

 

“You can’t have regrets”, he told himsen

Though he’d be the first to concede

That he had nowt to show for all that brass

But a bag of spuds, and a swede

 

Twelve and half pence in his pocket

And a family of nine to feed

And nowt to show for all that brass

But a bag of spuds, and a swede

 

He tried to think back, where his money had gone

And how all of his giro got spent

How he’d blown two weeks dole and the family allowance

When he’d meant to be paying the rent

 

He remembered buying a pint for old Raz

Who picks up his pension tomorrow

But today he was short so he lowered himsen

To cadge and sponge and borrow

 

He remembered the lads from t’allotments

They were skint, but they came baring goods

How he’d stood them a round, and some chasers

In exchange for a swede and some spuds

 

That self-same bag of veggies

That he’d carried around all day long

That he’d bartered for with his meagre funds

In a desperate bid to belong

 

A fool and his money are easily parted

And there was no bigger fool than he

Cos now he was down to just twelve an half pence

At the end of his spending spree

 

He nursed his pint-pot like a lover

And he cherished his final two inches

As he joined the class of folk he despised

Pint-pot-hugging penny-pinchers

 

He’d twelve and half pence in his pocket

The price of a half of beer

So he sidled up to the bar, and said

“Stick us an ‘alf in here”

 

It was quarter-to chuckin’ out time

So he’d make that last half-pint last

As he sat there in silent contemplation

And tried not to dwell on the past

 

He’d stole from his own… and give it to strangers

Yet he still lacked the friendship he craved

But he felt no remorse for nicking from Annie

No regrets for the way he behaved

 

He weren’t goin’ home empty-handed

Nor leaving his family in need

Cos for two weeks dole, and the family allowance

He’d a bag of spuds, and a swede

 

Not a penny in his pocket

And a family of nine to feed

But at least he’d summet, to show for his brass

A bag of spuds, and a swede