Laura’s snaffled an exclusive
freshly minted by the Tories
a left-wing thug has punched a bloke!
she tweets, ignores the story
about the PM and the photograph
the crisis in our NHS
kids on drips curled up on floors
the current government’s heartlessness
you see, a stolen phone is nothing
when you’ve a brand-new lie to share
about the punch that never happened
by a mob that wasn’t there
in a city where foodbanks aren’t needed
in a country of streets paved with gold
where any negative talk comes from traitors
and the right thing to do is just do what you’re told

and where Laura has got an exclusive
freshly minted by CCHQ
it’s the whiff of a Cummings, the stench of pure bull
but Laura won’t check if it’s true
you see it gets her mate the PM out of trouble
throws the slavering tabloids a bone
because this Bullingdon bully, this chancer
had stolen a journalist’s phone
after refusing to answer a question
about a boy on a hospital floor
and he desperately needs a distraction
a dead cat or two, maybe more

and so Laura has got an exclusive
from sources who tell her because
they know that she’ll tweet what they send her about
the punch that never was
by a mob whom footage conclusively shows
were nowhere to be seen
and the kid on the floor with no hospital bed
is forgotten by her, like he’s always been.