I know it's a long way off

but I want to plan this thing out

so there will be no missteps or surprises

 

my funeral will be held

on a cloudy day

with a chance of rain

bring umbrellas just in case

 

there will be no preacher

but there will be chanting

and much sorrow expressed in

moans and tears

complimentary Kleenix provided on site

 

you will be required to speak

of all my good traits and

all the wonderful things you remember about me

so be prepared

feel free to embellish and exaggerate

if you can't think of anything

make it up

 

there will also be a small fee

to cover expenses

give generously in my name

pay at the door

 

sign the guest book

so we can track you down if you

do not contribute

 

afterwards there will be a reception

at the Golden Corral Restaurant on Main St.

be polite and do not make a fool out of yourself overeating

be sure to tip the waitress

 

with free food and lots of conversation

I will soon be forgotten

as people clank their glasses

and scarf down their steak

it's not so bad now is it

 

all in all everything should go down well

however there will be a bouncer

should relatives get out of hand

and the firehouse is only 2 blocks away

 

no pets

no alcohol

a few Amens and Hallelujahs    

and we're done

 

y'all go your way

I'll go mine.